Deserve

I feel I need to apologize for not writing since October. I did not realize it had been that long, but I stepped away a little bit because I felt I was writing about all these dark and negative things so often. Like I was only letting out the crap, and I didn't like it. I have also been having more conversations so blogging became less necessary. Anyways, I am back, I think I am positive, hopefully I will find the time to do this more often once again. Just thought you should get a general note before you get the blog specific note before the actual blog then to the poem. I am making this way too complicated, I am sure of it.



OK so what is a blog other than a random collection of thoughts. I have been stewing on this since Saturday. The more I thought the more is came out in poetry form, this was bothersome since I never write or think poetically and especially without a rhyme scheme. So I started to hammer out my thoughts as I usually do, but I could not get rid of this stupid poetic junk, so I just decided the way to get rid of it was to get it out, then I could go back to normal rational thinking. Of course, then I finish, I like it, and I have nothing more to say. I left it all here for the mess and maybe the beauty. I hope you enjoy, I know I did...




What do I deserve? The only thing I can come up with is death. The old joke is that the only 2 things that are certain are death and taxes, well, I don't deserve taxes, the only thing I deserve is death. I am not really sure what got me thinking along these lines, but I am very much taken aback by these thoughts. I deserve nothing on this earth.

When I thought more about this, I started thinking about the word deserve. DE-SERVE...DE- means to remove (at least in my general estimation of the English language). I DEny, I DEplane, I DEstroy, I DEfect...they all imply negation or removal. I completely understand SERVE, I don't like doing it many times, but I get it. It is helping others achieve, it is putting others needs, wants and desires before my own, etc.

So through my rudimentary findings, to deserve is to remove service. It is saying that we do not need to serve anyone have a servant's heart to "deserve" that thing. But I do not deserve those things.

I DESERVE...

I deserve nothing.
Nothing more, nothing less.
There are things
That I have earned,
But most of it is a gift.

Gifts are given
Out of mercy or grace.
They are given
Out of someone else's
Service for me.

My education was earned
But the right to have it
That was a gift.
I did not derserve it,
I earned what was given to me.

My freedom was graciously given.
Blood and, more importantly,
Minds have allowed me
To have the freedoms
That I enjoy.

My salvation is by far
The greatest gift of all.
For mercy alone,
Saved me from my sins,
Through the death of perfection.

These are just a few
Of the gifts I have been given.
But none of them are DESERVED.
They were gifts out of others service.
These gifts were SERVED.

When I search for answers,
When I need a solution,
When I desperately try
To figure things out,
I find little, but empty places.

But what I have realized
Is that when I serve others,
I find those things I need.
When I take on THEIR problems,
I find MY solution.

It is as if helping them
Find their answers,
I find my own
somewhere along the way.
A gift for my service.

So where am I left?
How can I latch hold
Of this paradox of life?
My service creates my solution.
My giving is when I recieve.

Hard work for others sake,
Will return to me hundred fold.
If only I were not so selfish,
Or forgetful, or...whatever it is
that holds me back from this revelation.

To be known as one
Who DESERVES nothing.
Who serves for everything.
Who gives more than receives,
So that recieving is giving.

For my rewards are not solely in heaven.
They are the exponential return
On my service invested.
They are my solutions
To the exam of living this life.

I deserve nothing!
I deserve death!
I earn some gifts.
I was given others.
I serve, I have life!

--Isaac Morford