Dead

Have you ever just felt dead? Emotionally drained? Physically whipped? Spiritually disconnected? Blah? Head in a fog? That's where I am right now...just dead. Like I am even working to breathe. I know I have plenty of reasons I should be that way...building a home, pregnant wife, middle of a season, building a home, looming budget cuts, challenging daughter, staying up too late, building a home, getting up too early, RUN RUN RUN, a little congestion, and I am sure there is more that I can't think of right now. Even posting this is like excruciating work for me. Negativity is pouring in. Who cares? Why are you writing this to no one? This is like talking to yourself, only more pathetic...Is all you can do is make stupid lists about your pretty damn good life?

God I need a rest...a break...a positive breakthrough...a slumpbuster...a resolution...PEACE!!!!!

What do you say when you have nothing to say, but feel the need to write? What do you do when you have so much to do, but all you want to do is get away? How do you sleep when all you can think about is all you have to get done, or what you haven't done? How do you see your wife awake for 2 hours in a day and spend it talking baseball or (not)watching American Idol? How do you not see your daughter awake at all and think you have time for another one?

Reading Purpose for the Pain, is this my version of being "there?" That place you feel you can't get out of? The one people turn to drugs, alcohol, cutting, self-destruction over? I can see how, I can see why, if those were things in my life I would be turning to them right now. Instead I turn to eating, tv, and I am drawn to other lustful behaviors from my past. For no other reason than...I don't even know why. I know they are destructive, I know they are not helping me, I know they are escapes, but they aren't nearly as bad as the drugs, alcohol, and cutting.

So I sit here paradoxically numb and in pain at once...staring at the pills and razor blades of my life...staring and waiting...waiting for one of us to blink...playing chicken with my deepest, darkest demons...hoping to hold out, afraid I can't...afraid I am not strong enough to carry the load...afraid I am not good enough for the life I have...afraid that if doing my best makes me feel like this why am I working so hard for it...afraid...

This is not a sitcom, it's not resolving by the end...still waiting for the happy ending...still waiting for the resolution...waiting to find the purpose for this pain

Gotta get back to "real life"...back to work...let me find where I set my mask down...gotta cover my pain...before somebody sees...ME