Purpose for the Pain

Haven't posted in a while. Not sure why (other than I am busy as hades). Just started reading Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe. These are a compilation of Journals from Renee over the years. Renee is the inspiration for my favorite site, TWLOHA. She was in deep in drugs, alcohol, self-cutting, near death. She was surrounded by friends and people she had never met that pour love into her soul. They immersed her into the love of Christ. She grew up in church, she knew it was there, but she had run so hard from it...But Jesus never stopped coming after her. I am in awe of her writing, so I am excerpting pieces here that really hit home with me. I hope you enjoy...

...But I will keep feeling,
even if it kills me,
because apathy is not living.
--Renee Yohe

...But I won't allow you to reside there
I won't grant permanence to my position
I WILL FORGIVE YOU.
--Renee Yohe

RE-BIRTH
Fear. Overwhelming doubt.
Searching frantically for expiration dates,
to mark the end of this newly purchased life,
when the light will run out.
Tremors. Of hope come and go.
Grasping with all I am,
with the desperate strength of despair,
lest I slip from the life and fall below.
Running, chasing, glimpse of a smile,
Pursuing shadows as fast as my heart will beat,
until my lungs explode
to convince this utopian dream to last a while.
Climbing a burning rope.
Scaling cliffsides to safety,
weary, pulling myself up, plagued with lethargy,
bruised, bloody, and broke.
Thriving. Swimming in a foggy haze.
Uncertain, yet boldly daring,
to mold this new world,
thrusting, in the promise of better days.
--Renee Yohe

A PRAYER
I hurt everywhere, and no where all at once. I feel so disillusioned, yet its catalyst was clarity. Reality shifted through the cracks, a rude awakening. Why would you give me these dreams? You compare yourself to a parent - if your child asked for food you would not give him a stone, these dreams are outstretched arms reaching as the child to it's father, feed my soul. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my failures, for my doubts, help me not to put you in a box. Mend me, use me, I am yours. Thank you for always pursuing me, even when I turn my back and run. You're incredible, I take you for granted, I'm so sorry. Father, Friend, Shepard, Pursuer of my soul, HEALER, Light. Thank you. I love you.
--Renee Yohe