So it has been a while for me (not that I don't have some kick ass excuses for not writing), but I have been in another low lately, and I was feeling like that was all I ever write about and I refused to be that guy. Isn't it amazing how nothing...little stupid things that you think about yourself just stick in your mind and get you down.
I really think that was part of the fall in the garden, by letting sin into our lives, we lost our confidence in ourselves...we lost our confidence in others. Why is it when I don't talk to someone for a while I feel this giant rift...I feel like they don't like me or love me...I feel like I am worthless and mean nothing to them...that I am uncared for and unloved. What makes it be that way? Could it have been that the tree of knowledge of good and evil made us recognize our evil nature, but since we were created in the image of God (who is good) we cannot stand ourselves? Maybe I am just making crap up here, but this seriously is making more sense to me know than ever before. When we have people that we love and respect we tend to think of them as better than us...that we are the lucky ones to be in the relationship with that person (again, maybe this is just me). So when I lose that communication that I am used to, I feel that they have finally wised up to my dirty sinful worthless nature. It is not that I think the worst of them, I think the worst of myself. I still get angry...I still project things onto them (because that is easier than actually cleansing the dirt from my own life)...I try to bring that person down to my own level in my eyes so that it feels that I haven't lost as much...but in reality, it may be nothing at all. It may be we are just both busy. It may be that it is just as much my fault that we have lost touch for a period of time. It may be that they are feeling the same way...
This is a random post because this is not even close to what I was thinking I was going to write about. I had some thoughts after reading the blog I just posted. I just loved some of the lines..."people make mistakes but maybe God does not." "There are people who invest in stocks and there are people who invest in stories." "easier to say 'community' from a stage, easier to be busy than known." "I'm 29 years old. I should have my shit together by now."
But the post is so much more than just a collection of good lines, it is about friendship and family and love and hope. It is a story...it is people...it is life...it is what I want. I wish I were that open with my life...I wish I were able to talk about more than the latest sports stories and market problems and political agendas and church crap. I wish I had the balls to let people know me...to wear my heart on my sleeve...to open my life up to people to read and learn and pray and peruse and possibly use...to take the shit from my life and expose it to the air so that I can stop suffocating myself with it's stench being closed up inside...to hear the comments, negative or not, and know that it doesn't matter as long as I am being myself.
School will be back soon, so maybe that means I will get back into the posting spirit soon. Don Miller's book comes out soon, it is all about story and the life you are living (making your story great). It is only $13-14 at amazon, just FYI
Isaac
Sunday, August 16, 2009
From TWLOHA
Worth the read...Great lines, great words, great heart...I would add to the lists (crazy things worth doing just to say you did) Enjoy
There is a family headed west on I-10 right now...
Aug. 11, 2009 at 2:16pm
There is a family headed west on I-10 right now. This is for them...
Part of it was the place, this Canaveral condo, this house so much a home. i remember sitting with Byron in this living room five years ago, me on the couch and him on the chair across from me, me there and filled with questions, always bringing him my pain, because he would listen, because he was brilliant but more because he cared. i remember him listening for an hour, me talking through my tears... Eventually, in a quiet moment, he shared that he had some news of his own. His girlfriend Amanda was pregnant. They had been close to breaking up but now she was pregnant with his child. i remember not knowing what to say but finally asking how he felt and i remember him saying that people make mistakes but maybe God does not.
Isabella Pearl was born some months later, her middle name a picture of redemption. There was no shotgun wedding, no cheap whispered promises... only questions and patience and pain and hope. It was an uncertain season.
The wedding did eventually come, some more months later, after time apart, after time together, after all their searching. He flies to Boston, they drive to New York, he takes a knee on the Brooklyn Bridge, asks for her forever. On the same trip, he has coffee with a man he respects, a man he's met only once before. Byron talks about his life, this surprising season, the reason he's in town. After an hour together, the man says "i feel like i'm supposed to give you this." The guy hands Byron an envelope, Byron opens it two hours later at the airport. Two thousand dollars. (There are people who invest in stocks and there are people who invest in stories.)
The wedding came when they were ready, when the promise could be true, for love is a choice much more than it's magic. They moved the couch out of the living room and got married with the sliding glass door open, next to sea and under stars on a New Years Eve. i said a few words, about not knowing who i would be without his friendship. i can't remember if i said it but i hope i said that i believe in their story.
Baby Eve is born. Byron takes a job with TWLOHA, first as an assistant, soon as our Director of Operations. He shines. It's hard to tell his life from his work from his dreams. i mean that in the best way. We rent a bungalow. Interns begin to arrive. They watch football at his house. They eat dinner at his house. Baby Eden is born.
i could say other things, that we ended up on different pages for a time, that i am difficult to work for, that i am not the healthiest person. It's hard to navigate the waters of ego, pain and pride. It's hard to have a single honest relationship - easier to say "community" from a stage, easier to be busy than known. We hurt each other. We let each other down.
Some weeks go by. Weeks with silence. We're both offended. He decides it's time to move on. He quits a good job in an economy where people don't quit jobs, where people don't make choices because they believe in them, because they live one time and want to do it well...
He and i are fine now. Time has a way of putting things back where they belong. Love has a way of breaking the silence. There is a bigger story...
And so a new chapter, this family headed north and west today, to make a home in New Orleans. To give themselves to a city as it comes back to life, to raise the girls in a place filled with history and poverty and diversity, to be part of a bigger story. Byron is going back to school. His is that brilliant mind that will never stop asking questions, never stop learning. There is not a lot of money, not a certain plan. Oh and Amanda is pregnant again. ("You're kidding me" and "No way" have been common responses.)
We said goodbye last night. This is the guy who introduced me to my favorite band, the guy who taught me it was okay to ask the questions you aren't supposed to ask, to say the honest thing, to be creative. He suggested that there are things more valuable than money, that maybe people matter most. He talked about the value of a place, a good idea, something true inside a moment or a song...
It crossed my mind to play it cool. i cried about it last week, broke down in front of a room full of people - our entire team and even some strangers - it would be easier not to cry. Besides, everyone else said their goodbyes without crying. i'm 29 years old. i should have my shit together by now. i should be able to say goodbye without crying. i should be able not to need people.
Or maybe this is okay, maybe this is the way that i was made, to feel things, to say things. i don't know. i just know that i started to walk away and then i stopped. And we've been down this road enough, done enough life together, that neither one of us had to say anything.
He told me once that he believed friendship might be life's greatest gift. What an amazing thing to feel known and loved, to feel understood, to walk through life with another person. i remember that it all felt true when he said it and i know that it has stayed with me.
i eventually told him through tears that he will leave a great space, that things won't be the same, that he can't be replaced. He said the words meant a lot, because it's something we can't tell ourselves, what we mean to other people. We hope we do but it's powerful to hear it, significant to hear it.
i forget which one of us said it first but we have agreed and said for years now that there are things in life worth crying about. (We added to this list: things worth screaming about, questions worth asking, trips worth taking...) It was true last night and i suppose it's true in this moment.
i don't have a magical ending except to say that i hope you get to experience this sort of friendship, this gift that Byron talked about, this thing that's like a miracle. i hope you get to say these things and hear these things. i hope you get front row seats for a story as good as Byron and Amanda's. And part of me hopes, for you and for myself, that you get to live that sort of story.
New Orleans is a better place today.
Peace to you.
jamie
PS: New Music from our friends:
Beggars by Thrice (iTunes only)
Spain by Between the Trees
The Rising by David Hodges (iTunes only)
i am currently full-blown obsessed with these two songs:
Along the Wall by Leigh Nash
In Exile by Thrice
There is a family headed west on I-10 right now...
Aug. 11, 2009 at 2:16pm
There is a family headed west on I-10 right now. This is for them...
Part of it was the place, this Canaveral condo, this house so much a home. i remember sitting with Byron in this living room five years ago, me on the couch and him on the chair across from me, me there and filled with questions, always bringing him my pain, because he would listen, because he was brilliant but more because he cared. i remember him listening for an hour, me talking through my tears... Eventually, in a quiet moment, he shared that he had some news of his own. His girlfriend Amanda was pregnant. They had been close to breaking up but now she was pregnant with his child. i remember not knowing what to say but finally asking how he felt and i remember him saying that people make mistakes but maybe God does not.
Isabella Pearl was born some months later, her middle name a picture of redemption. There was no shotgun wedding, no cheap whispered promises... only questions and patience and pain and hope. It was an uncertain season.
The wedding did eventually come, some more months later, after time apart, after time together, after all their searching. He flies to Boston, they drive to New York, he takes a knee on the Brooklyn Bridge, asks for her forever. On the same trip, he has coffee with a man he respects, a man he's met only once before. Byron talks about his life, this surprising season, the reason he's in town. After an hour together, the man says "i feel like i'm supposed to give you this." The guy hands Byron an envelope, Byron opens it two hours later at the airport. Two thousand dollars. (There are people who invest in stocks and there are people who invest in stories.)
The wedding came when they were ready, when the promise could be true, for love is a choice much more than it's magic. They moved the couch out of the living room and got married with the sliding glass door open, next to sea and under stars on a New Years Eve. i said a few words, about not knowing who i would be without his friendship. i can't remember if i said it but i hope i said that i believe in their story.
Baby Eve is born. Byron takes a job with TWLOHA, first as an assistant, soon as our Director of Operations. He shines. It's hard to tell his life from his work from his dreams. i mean that in the best way. We rent a bungalow. Interns begin to arrive. They watch football at his house. They eat dinner at his house. Baby Eden is born.
i could say other things, that we ended up on different pages for a time, that i am difficult to work for, that i am not the healthiest person. It's hard to navigate the waters of ego, pain and pride. It's hard to have a single honest relationship - easier to say "community" from a stage, easier to be busy than known. We hurt each other. We let each other down.
Some weeks go by. Weeks with silence. We're both offended. He decides it's time to move on. He quits a good job in an economy where people don't quit jobs, where people don't make choices because they believe in them, because they live one time and want to do it well...
He and i are fine now. Time has a way of putting things back where they belong. Love has a way of breaking the silence. There is a bigger story...
And so a new chapter, this family headed north and west today, to make a home in New Orleans. To give themselves to a city as it comes back to life, to raise the girls in a place filled with history and poverty and diversity, to be part of a bigger story. Byron is going back to school. His is that brilliant mind that will never stop asking questions, never stop learning. There is not a lot of money, not a certain plan. Oh and Amanda is pregnant again. ("You're kidding me" and "No way" have been common responses.)
We said goodbye last night. This is the guy who introduced me to my favorite band, the guy who taught me it was okay to ask the questions you aren't supposed to ask, to say the honest thing, to be creative. He suggested that there are things more valuable than money, that maybe people matter most. He talked about the value of a place, a good idea, something true inside a moment or a song...
It crossed my mind to play it cool. i cried about it last week, broke down in front of a room full of people - our entire team and even some strangers - it would be easier not to cry. Besides, everyone else said their goodbyes without crying. i'm 29 years old. i should have my shit together by now. i should be able to say goodbye without crying. i should be able not to need people.
Or maybe this is okay, maybe this is the way that i was made, to feel things, to say things. i don't know. i just know that i started to walk away and then i stopped. And we've been down this road enough, done enough life together, that neither one of us had to say anything.
He told me once that he believed friendship might be life's greatest gift. What an amazing thing to feel known and loved, to feel understood, to walk through life with another person. i remember that it all felt true when he said it and i know that it has stayed with me.
i eventually told him through tears that he will leave a great space, that things won't be the same, that he can't be replaced. He said the words meant a lot, because it's something we can't tell ourselves, what we mean to other people. We hope we do but it's powerful to hear it, significant to hear it.
i forget which one of us said it first but we have agreed and said for years now that there are things in life worth crying about. (We added to this list: things worth screaming about, questions worth asking, trips worth taking...) It was true last night and i suppose it's true in this moment.
i don't have a magical ending except to say that i hope you get to experience this sort of friendship, this gift that Byron talked about, this thing that's like a miracle. i hope you get to say these things and hear these things. i hope you get front row seats for a story as good as Byron and Amanda's. And part of me hopes, for you and for myself, that you get to live that sort of story.
New Orleans is a better place today.
Peace to you.
jamie
PS: New Music from our friends:
Beggars by Thrice (iTunes only)
Spain by Between the Trees
The Rising by David Hodges (iTunes only)
i am currently full-blown obsessed with these two songs:
Along the Wall by Leigh Nash
In Exile by Thrice
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Word Vomit: What is Church
This one deals with a book, What is Church?, there are probably some spoilers from the book in here, but I try to leave as much to the author as I can. Also, the language here in is rougher than usual, but I am running on less sleep, and therefore less filter. Enjoy:
OK, well, it has been too long…for me at least. I hope maybe you feel the same way. I am sitting here like an idiot…I have a house full of sleeping women, finally (no small feat with a 1 week old, 3 year old, and recently pregnant wife). But I had to go and read a few more pages of my book before bed, and now I cannot sleep, even though I know I desperately need it.
Reading What is Church? by Mike Bishop, kinda a random connection in that I go to church with his parents, but we have never met. I have heard his dad talk about his blog, but I just waved it off, his parents gave my wife this book and she enjoyed it and told me I HAD to read it ASAP. Because she was kind enough to not read me too much of it while she was reading it, I decided I should read it and get it out of the way. It is short and much less embarrassing to take to the hospital for a few nights than the next book on MY list, Kosher Adultery (think that would have gotten a few awkward looks from people there since I was there for the birth of my second child, this still makes me laugh when I think about it). I have been reading along, and it is a great read, something that has affirmed many of my thoughts and ideas about church and how we do things so poorly. Chapters 1-5 are good, like we think alike (and really how my wife thinks about things). Carey has been upset like I don’t get it or don’t think it is good or don’t agree or just don’t want to talk about it. It is really that it is the conversations we have been having for a while now, and it is a story of his journey living through some of the things we have talked about. Nothing extraordinary and since I have never needed people to back up my position on something (at least people I have never met).
But then I got to the new, the place where he started to take my ideas further, he completed my sentences, thoughts, and connected some new dots for me. For you who have become accustomed to my writing, this is where I tend to state, “He started kicking my ass!!!!!” This is a very positive thing…I love it…this is where my growth happens…this is where I thrive…this is awesome!
This all happened here in CH 6, Apprentices of Jesus. He talks about church as a college class, where the professor is the pastor and the students are the congregation. What I loved was this concept of going to class to get fed, but our tests are individual and not necessarily covering what we have been taught. So we go to more classes or office hours or read the recommended readings not just the required, or we lose faith in the class itself…what is the point if the tests aren’t limited to the teaching? Or that the test is from a graduate level course and we are only in a first year course? This was mind blowing to me (please read this for yourself, he shares it with much more insight and length). Being a school teacher, I got this picture so clearly. What is the point of the lessons if they are not related to the tests? And then what does that mean? What do we do with that? What is Church? (Sounds like a good title for a book).
As is pretty normal for me, I just kept right on reading instead of letting this epiphany sink in completely. Within a few pages, I came to a section talking about A.A. and how it could be a great model for churches. This is something close to my heart, hence the title of this blog. I have never had any relationship with A.A….I have never been to a meeting…I have never known of anyone who has been through the program (though I am sure I know people who have been, it has never been a topic of discussion so their attendance has been just that, anonymous)…I have never had a alcoholic family member or friend whose life was in need of this program…but I have always had a draw to this group…this concept of community…this idea of hope…this honesty…this beauty of redemption…this pain and hope being shared together in love and equality…this understanding that we are all equal in that we are screw ups, each in their own unique way. It is the same things that have drawn me to my favorite organizations I do partake in, TWLOHA and PostSecret.
In this segment, Mike offers that maybe our churches should be organized more like an A.A. meeting. He also shared the 12 common traditions of A.A. They are so powerful in their simplicity and purpose. They were created so that no one could take credit or “heroship” for what was being achieved through this organization locally and on a broader scale. It was to keep the organization in check, to keep them on their message of helping people defeat their addiction to alcohol. How did the church miss this step? How do we have so many heroes and gurus and leaders and know-it-alls and founders and blah blah blahs and la-di-freakin-da’s? How do we have so many people point the way to Him is through them? Again how can the world get it so right and we get so absolutely fucked up? Don’t get me wrong, you can see from this blog I read my “favorites” and I follow certain people (writers especially) that I cannot wait to read again or hear their new thoughts. But we have to be careful to not think or more likely ACT like that person has it all together or to help them bring glory to themselves. We can use their thoughts and ideas and sometimes even their example to help us grow, but we must be ever aware that they are not the answer, Jesus is the answer, and if they ever change that thought through word or deed, we need to let them go. It is so much bigger than a person. It is a person, who was also God.
I am not going to repeat the 12 traditions here for brevity and so I do not steal too much more of Mr. Bishop’s idea (READ IT YOURSELF!!!!!). But this does bring me to meld these two thoughts together, what is the point of “church” if the tests aren’t over what we have already covered? Secondly, can it all be covered even in a lifetime or are we always going to be relegated to some cliffs notes version? And is the answer to the first part that it is about the community and the relationships, then why are we always subjected to some boring ass, I have heard this before, watered down, spun or twisted version of some historical shit shoved down my throat, interspersed by the rare exception? Why aren’t we effectively fostering relationships, enabling conversations, consistently letting people tell their stories and their history, or just share their most recent thoughts, or hopes, or dreams? Why do went a family terribly ends up in divorce are we seen as siding with one or the other? Why can’t we love both together or apart? How is it not more about the people?
I have said it before, but I feel the need to repeat myself here…I AM NOT ANTI-CHURCH…but I do believe that we have screwed up so much in church I understand why others, Christian or non-Christian, are turned away in droves. If the church is going to survive in reality or in relevance, we must start to right this ship. We must learn our lessons, we must find that which is important, and we must get it together. We must get back to the church that God intended us to be.
I am not claiming to know exactly what that is, but I know I come alive in community, I come alive in relationships, I come alive in hearing other people’s stories, I come alive in eating together and drinking together and smoking cigars together and hanging together and watching movies together and laughing together and crying together and opening the word together and riding together and in arguing together and being silent together. I come alive in firing text messages back and forth or reading the same article or knowing my friend made it somewhere safely or knowing that I am being thought about or prayed over or that I have someone to call if/when I screw up or hearing my friend’s heart in an email or baring my soul to my four friends in a blog or sharing a book. I come alive with these people that do not judge me for my occasionally crude language or comments or unnecessary thoughts or weird takes on things, I come alive with them because I KNOW they love me for many of those things, and while they challenge me to improve, they do not require it for their love. And these are things that are not happening or being fostered in church, they are typically being done with people from my church, but we have gone so far as to not-so-jokingly call ourselves the underground so that people at church don’t find out about us and our love of community and relationship. Now that was word vomit if I have ever seen it. And only 2 hours of possibly great sleep wasted. If you are reading this, I love you…I don’t say it enough, but you mean the world to me, you keep me sane (or at least my version of it). If you just happened upon this blog for the first time and you have read all of this crap, I love you too. Just to read it all means you get me in some way, and that is pretty darn cool.
OK, well, it has been too long…for me at least. I hope maybe you feel the same way. I am sitting here like an idiot…I have a house full of sleeping women, finally (no small feat with a 1 week old, 3 year old, and recently pregnant wife). But I had to go and read a few more pages of my book before bed, and now I cannot sleep, even though I know I desperately need it.
Reading What is Church? by Mike Bishop, kinda a random connection in that I go to church with his parents, but we have never met. I have heard his dad talk about his blog, but I just waved it off, his parents gave my wife this book and she enjoyed it and told me I HAD to read it ASAP. Because she was kind enough to not read me too much of it while she was reading it, I decided I should read it and get it out of the way. It is short and much less embarrassing to take to the hospital for a few nights than the next book on MY list, Kosher Adultery (think that would have gotten a few awkward looks from people there since I was there for the birth of my second child, this still makes me laugh when I think about it). I have been reading along, and it is a great read, something that has affirmed many of my thoughts and ideas about church and how we do things so poorly. Chapters 1-5 are good, like we think alike (and really how my wife thinks about things). Carey has been upset like I don’t get it or don’t think it is good or don’t agree or just don’t want to talk about it. It is really that it is the conversations we have been having for a while now, and it is a story of his journey living through some of the things we have talked about. Nothing extraordinary and since I have never needed people to back up my position on something (at least people I have never met).
But then I got to the new, the place where he started to take my ideas further, he completed my sentences, thoughts, and connected some new dots for me. For you who have become accustomed to my writing, this is where I tend to state, “He started kicking my ass!!!!!” This is a very positive thing…I love it…this is where my growth happens…this is where I thrive…this is awesome!
This all happened here in CH 6, Apprentices of Jesus. He talks about church as a college class, where the professor is the pastor and the students are the congregation. What I loved was this concept of going to class to get fed, but our tests are individual and not necessarily covering what we have been taught. So we go to more classes or office hours or read the recommended readings not just the required, or we lose faith in the class itself…what is the point if the tests aren’t limited to the teaching? Or that the test is from a graduate level course and we are only in a first year course? This was mind blowing to me (please read this for yourself, he shares it with much more insight and length). Being a school teacher, I got this picture so clearly. What is the point of the lessons if they are not related to the tests? And then what does that mean? What do we do with that? What is Church? (Sounds like a good title for a book).
As is pretty normal for me, I just kept right on reading instead of letting this epiphany sink in completely. Within a few pages, I came to a section talking about A.A. and how it could be a great model for churches. This is something close to my heart, hence the title of this blog. I have never had any relationship with A.A….I have never been to a meeting…I have never known of anyone who has been through the program (though I am sure I know people who have been, it has never been a topic of discussion so their attendance has been just that, anonymous)…I have never had a alcoholic family member or friend whose life was in need of this program…but I have always had a draw to this group…this concept of community…this idea of hope…this honesty…this beauty of redemption…this pain and hope being shared together in love and equality…this understanding that we are all equal in that we are screw ups, each in their own unique way. It is the same things that have drawn me to my favorite organizations I do partake in, TWLOHA and PostSecret.
In this segment, Mike offers that maybe our churches should be organized more like an A.A. meeting. He also shared the 12 common traditions of A.A. They are so powerful in their simplicity and purpose. They were created so that no one could take credit or “heroship” for what was being achieved through this organization locally and on a broader scale. It was to keep the organization in check, to keep them on their message of helping people defeat their addiction to alcohol. How did the church miss this step? How do we have so many heroes and gurus and leaders and know-it-alls and founders and blah blah blahs and la-di-freakin-da’s? How do we have so many people point the way to Him is through them? Again how can the world get it so right and we get so absolutely fucked up? Don’t get me wrong, you can see from this blog I read my “favorites” and I follow certain people (writers especially) that I cannot wait to read again or hear their new thoughts. But we have to be careful to not think or more likely ACT like that person has it all together or to help them bring glory to themselves. We can use their thoughts and ideas and sometimes even their example to help us grow, but we must be ever aware that they are not the answer, Jesus is the answer, and if they ever change that thought through word or deed, we need to let them go. It is so much bigger than a person. It is a person, who was also God.
I am not going to repeat the 12 traditions here for brevity and so I do not steal too much more of Mr. Bishop’s idea (READ IT YOURSELF!!!!!). But this does bring me to meld these two thoughts together, what is the point of “church” if the tests aren’t over what we have already covered? Secondly, can it all be covered even in a lifetime or are we always going to be relegated to some cliffs notes version? And is the answer to the first part that it is about the community and the relationships, then why are we always subjected to some boring ass, I have heard this before, watered down, spun or twisted version of some historical shit shoved down my throat, interspersed by the rare exception? Why aren’t we effectively fostering relationships, enabling conversations, consistently letting people tell their stories and their history, or just share their most recent thoughts, or hopes, or dreams? Why do went a family terribly ends up in divorce are we seen as siding with one or the other? Why can’t we love both together or apart? How is it not more about the people?
I have said it before, but I feel the need to repeat myself here…I AM NOT ANTI-CHURCH…but I do believe that we have screwed up so much in church I understand why others, Christian or non-Christian, are turned away in droves. If the church is going to survive in reality or in relevance, we must start to right this ship. We must learn our lessons, we must find that which is important, and we must get it together. We must get back to the church that God intended us to be.
I am not claiming to know exactly what that is, but I know I come alive in community, I come alive in relationships, I come alive in hearing other people’s stories, I come alive in eating together and drinking together and smoking cigars together and hanging together and watching movies together and laughing together and crying together and opening the word together and riding together and in arguing together and being silent together. I come alive in firing text messages back and forth or reading the same article or knowing my friend made it somewhere safely or knowing that I am being thought about or prayed over or that I have someone to call if/when I screw up or hearing my friend’s heart in an email or baring my soul to my four friends in a blog or sharing a book. I come alive with these people that do not judge me for my occasionally crude language or comments or unnecessary thoughts or weird takes on things, I come alive with them because I KNOW they love me for many of those things, and while they challenge me to improve, they do not require it for their love. And these are things that are not happening or being fostered in church, they are typically being done with people from my church, but we have gone so far as to not-so-jokingly call ourselves the underground so that people at church don’t find out about us and our love of community and relationship. Now that was word vomit if I have ever seen it. And only 2 hours of possibly great sleep wasted. If you are reading this, I love you…I don’t say it enough, but you mean the world to me, you keep me sane (or at least my version of it). If you just happened upon this blog for the first time and you have read all of this crap, I love you too. Just to read it all means you get me in some way, and that is pretty darn cool.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Lots of reading lately...
Figured I would share what I could. Most have been linked to me through Twitter.
Blog on Failure: (From Carey)
http://blog.lumunos.org/
Bono Op-Ed piece about renewing your SOUL:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/19/opinion/19bono.html?_r=4
Good Music is Healthy!!!!!
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/11/music.heart/index.html
Being Chronically Discontent
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/features-reviews/god/16896-i-cant-get-no-satisfaction
I hope you enjoy...maybe with some conversation to come...
Blog on Failure: (From Carey)
http://blog.lumunos.org/
Bono Op-Ed piece about renewing your SOUL:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/19/opinion/19bono.html?_r=4
Good Music is Healthy!!!!!
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/11/music.heart/index.html
Being Chronically Discontent
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/features-reviews/god/16896-i-cant-get-no-satisfaction
I hope you enjoy...maybe with some conversation to come...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
From Relevant Online
This is an article from Relevant's content for churches called Neue (NEW). I just thought it was a really good article and interesting to think about. ENJOY
How to Make Crack Cocaine, Bombs, and Commit Suicide
You might not like what’s out there, but the Internet is full of very compelling content that is competing for the hearts and minds of the very people you are trying to reach. A quick Google search instantly brings up an illustrated, step-by-step process to melt cocaine into crack with tips on when and where and how to smoke it with expectations on how you’ll feel before, during and after the process. Yeah … I’m serious.
We could complain all day long about how terrible this is and wonder aloud why this type of content is even legal. You could point the finger at President Obama for doing nothing, Al Gore for even creating the Internet in the first place, or Google for so effectively finding just what people are looking for, but that web page and the millions like it that are leading people away from God are not going away. Period. In fact, more pages like it and worse are being created while you read these words.
Elementary school kids are learning how to hang themselves with sheets and extension cords in the privacy of their bedrooms. Husbands and wives are learning how to have an affair and not get caught. College students are learning the latest cheating methods in order to pass their exams.
This content is loud. It’s clear. It’s simple. It’s instructive. And it’s meeting a very real demand that’s out there. IGNORing it is IGNORant and we, as leaders of this and future generations, have two ways we can respond. It’s all about supply and demand.
1. We can supply superior, compelling Internet content that purposefully competes against the dangerous and destructive content that is already out there. Our story is better. Our solutions last longer. Our God is stronger. In essence, we can see this action is a contemporary way of feeding the hungry.
If our mission is to find hurts and heal them, we’re going to have to be present where hurting people live online, and it’s not your wonderful church website.
When an 11-year-old boy searches the ‘net for how to commit suicide, our compelling content has to come up first (and second and third and fourth, for that matter) in the search engine. It has to arrest his attention and provide him with alternatives.
When an addict wants instructions for a new fix, or a husband wants some pointers for a secret affair, or a student wants to find a YouTube video to help them cut corners, our content has to be there in the mix.
2. While competing with the supply of compelling but destructive content is necessary, nothing works better than ruining the demand for it in the first place. This mission won’t be easy and will require some serious strategic planning and vision-mapping if we are to effectively lessen or eliminate the demand for poison on the Internet, but not trying at all shouldn’t be an option.
In essence, this step is not feeding the hungry, but communicating to the hungry that what they are thirsting or hungering after is nothing compared to God. Relaying to people that they need something that they may not know they need is not an easy task, but it’s what the Church is called to do.
Who do you envision as your competitors in the creation and promotion of compelling online content? Other ministry leaders? Professional gurus like Guy Kawasaki or Seth Godin? @Oprah? If so, think again!
We are in a real war for the hearts and minds of the people God has called us to reach and serve and it’s time for us to act like it! Be creative! Be courageous! Be the hands and feet of our God online!
Thoughts?
How to Make Crack Cocaine, Bombs, and Commit Suicide
You might not like what’s out there, but the Internet is full of very compelling content that is competing for the hearts and minds of the very people you are trying to reach. A quick Google search instantly brings up an illustrated, step-by-step process to melt cocaine into crack with tips on when and where and how to smoke it with expectations on how you’ll feel before, during and after the process. Yeah … I’m serious.
We could complain all day long about how terrible this is and wonder aloud why this type of content is even legal. You could point the finger at President Obama for doing nothing, Al Gore for even creating the Internet in the first place, or Google for so effectively finding just what people are looking for, but that web page and the millions like it that are leading people away from God are not going away. Period. In fact, more pages like it and worse are being created while you read these words.
Elementary school kids are learning how to hang themselves with sheets and extension cords in the privacy of their bedrooms. Husbands and wives are learning how to have an affair and not get caught. College students are learning the latest cheating methods in order to pass their exams.
This content is loud. It’s clear. It’s simple. It’s instructive. And it’s meeting a very real demand that’s out there. IGNORing it is IGNORant and we, as leaders of this and future generations, have two ways we can respond. It’s all about supply and demand.
1. We can supply superior, compelling Internet content that purposefully competes against the dangerous and destructive content that is already out there. Our story is better. Our solutions last longer. Our God is stronger. In essence, we can see this action is a contemporary way of feeding the hungry.
If our mission is to find hurts and heal them, we’re going to have to be present where hurting people live online, and it’s not your wonderful church website.
When an 11-year-old boy searches the ‘net for how to commit suicide, our compelling content has to come up first (and second and third and fourth, for that matter) in the search engine. It has to arrest his attention and provide him with alternatives.
When an addict wants instructions for a new fix, or a husband wants some pointers for a secret affair, or a student wants to find a YouTube video to help them cut corners, our content has to be there in the mix.
2. While competing with the supply of compelling but destructive content is necessary, nothing works better than ruining the demand for it in the first place. This mission won’t be easy and will require some serious strategic planning and vision-mapping if we are to effectively lessen or eliminate the demand for poison on the Internet, but not trying at all shouldn’t be an option.
In essence, this step is not feeding the hungry, but communicating to the hungry that what they are thirsting or hungering after is nothing compared to God. Relaying to people that they need something that they may not know they need is not an easy task, but it’s what the Church is called to do.
Who do you envision as your competitors in the creation and promotion of compelling online content? Other ministry leaders? Professional gurus like Guy Kawasaki or Seth Godin? @Oprah? If so, think again!
We are in a real war for the hearts and minds of the people God has called us to reach and serve and it’s time for us to act like it! Be creative! Be courageous! Be the hands and feet of our God online!
Thoughts?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The Means to an End
This is the script that I spoke from on Sunday in church about the closing of the prayer room. It really was just a blog post I got to share with more than 4 people. I guess that is good. Enjoy:
This prayer room brought us into a focus of prayer. I think it brought many people back to prayer that had somewhat lost their way. I know that was the case for me. It gave me a place to get away from everything else in my life and rest with the Lord. I know I slept less this month than anytime since college. But I was usually refreshed and ready to face my day, even after a night with no sleep. Prayer was a means to an end. It was a path I had forgotten, one that I had probably at times scoffed at, but it brought me to my end. It brought me closer to my Lord and Savior. It brought me home.
The 24-7 Prayer Movement has based itself on a Rule. This rule governs their set-up in their Boiler Rooms (consistent 24-7 prayer rooms). The Rule has layers. The inner-most layer is that their purpose is to love God and love their neighbors. Upward and Outward. The next layer is their principles: Authentic to Christ, Relational to People, Missional to the world.
The final layer is the practices that complete the inner areas. These are the means by which they achieve their purpose. To be Authentic to Christ, they use prayer and creativity. This was where our prayer room shined. You can see in the art and the graffiti, and the journals, and I believe, in the hearts of our people, that prayer and creativity were blooming in that little room. But what I want to share with you today is the other 4 practices that are also vital to our growth. For the 24-7 movement, they are stated as Mercy, Hospitality, Learning, and Mission. To simplify, they are GO and DO!
Now this is not saying that we need to stop praying, but what I have come to understand is, if all you do is pray, you will hit a wall, you will find yourself not getting any closer to God. At the same time, if all you are doing is serving, you will get your eyes off of God and you will find yourself doing things for the wrong reasons, or burning out and not doing them at all. There must be a balance, and it will be different for everyone. In fact your balance may shift in your lifetime. But to continue to grow in Christ, it takes more than one path. It takes a multi-pronged approach.
This congregation is a giving one. We see that in the Mortgage Burning Celebration we will be having soon. We see that in our support of Missionaries and Orphanages around the globe as well as local needs as LAM. But this is not necessarily being missional. Missional is really you GOING. I am not suggesting that we stop supporting mission work, and I am not suggesting that we all get our passports and shots and run off to Africa. But I am suggesting that the idea of GO and DO takes getting your nails dirty, not just your checkbooks out.
The Bible uses the word GO 1,514 times. 1,514! Including Jesus’ last words to the disciples
Matthew 28:18-20 (The Message): "Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."
We are commanded to go. Ever heard of a Wild Goose Chase? This was a concept created by the ancient Celts. They called the Holy Spirit the Wild Goose. So a Wild Goose Chase was a journey one was sent out upon in order to get closer to the Holy Spirit and in turn closer to God. Sometimes our Wild Goose Chases are becoming the answer to our own prayers. Sometimes God lays things on our hearts and then, we pray over it, and we get this sinking suspicion that we are to do something about it. Not just pray, not just send money in support, but to GO and DO.
And this is the scary thing, sometimes that is the only plan you get. Not many of us jump at those things. We like the approach of sending something, we love the fact that we can be ever fervent in our prayers. But sometimes we are called to be more. We are not just called to pray over poverty in our community, we are to create outreach to let them know they are loved by God. (That is what I believe this Angel Food Ministries thing can be). We are to see people making a real effort to clean up their lives and their community and lend a helping hand. Sometimes we see them doing nothing at all to help themselves, we see them digging themselves deeper and deeper into their sins, and God calls us to reach out and be His mercy. We are not to be judgment (we are to have judgment) but God is the great judge. We are to be mercy, we are to be loving and kind and compassionate. And if it is used against us, we are not to be fools, but we should not withhold mercy. We should work to not be calloused over by the wickedness in the world, because even those who are abusing our mercy and seeing mercy from Christ. They are experiencing Him, and that is worth a few times of facing injustice in return.
I have talked a lot about the means, but I have yet to state the End. What are we aiming for? What is success in this adventure? To get ever closer to God. This is the END of our journey. The end that our means are getting us to. We are ever trying to get closer and closer to God. We want to be nearer to Him. Now many of us like to use this “nearness” as a means itself. That our being nearer to God will help us get what we want. But if that is the mindset, you are not making your relationship with God your focus, you are making yourself the focus. If we as a church are going to grow, it is going to be in searching and trusting in Christ and in the leaders He has established here in our church, that we are working for that one goal. That nearness. It is not an agenda to do his thing or her thing or even to balance his things and her things to not upset anyone. It is about doing God’s thing. And doing it WHOLEHEARTEDLY. In complete trust and faith, that it will get us to His presence. So this is my challenge to you today use the means of GO and DO to help get us to the End we so desire.
This prayer room brought us into a focus of prayer. I think it brought many people back to prayer that had somewhat lost their way. I know that was the case for me. It gave me a place to get away from everything else in my life and rest with the Lord. I know I slept less this month than anytime since college. But I was usually refreshed and ready to face my day, even after a night with no sleep. Prayer was a means to an end. It was a path I had forgotten, one that I had probably at times scoffed at, but it brought me to my end. It brought me closer to my Lord and Savior. It brought me home.
The 24-7 Prayer Movement has based itself on a Rule. This rule governs their set-up in their Boiler Rooms (consistent 24-7 prayer rooms). The Rule has layers. The inner-most layer is that their purpose is to love God and love their neighbors. Upward and Outward. The next layer is their principles: Authentic to Christ, Relational to People, Missional to the world.
The final layer is the practices that complete the inner areas. These are the means by which they achieve their purpose. To be Authentic to Christ, they use prayer and creativity. This was where our prayer room shined. You can see in the art and the graffiti, and the journals, and I believe, in the hearts of our people, that prayer and creativity were blooming in that little room. But what I want to share with you today is the other 4 practices that are also vital to our growth. For the 24-7 movement, they are stated as Mercy, Hospitality, Learning, and Mission. To simplify, they are GO and DO!
Now this is not saying that we need to stop praying, but what I have come to understand is, if all you do is pray, you will hit a wall, you will find yourself not getting any closer to God. At the same time, if all you are doing is serving, you will get your eyes off of God and you will find yourself doing things for the wrong reasons, or burning out and not doing them at all. There must be a balance, and it will be different for everyone. In fact your balance may shift in your lifetime. But to continue to grow in Christ, it takes more than one path. It takes a multi-pronged approach.
This congregation is a giving one. We see that in the Mortgage Burning Celebration we will be having soon. We see that in our support of Missionaries and Orphanages around the globe as well as local needs as LAM. But this is not necessarily being missional. Missional is really you GOING. I am not suggesting that we stop supporting mission work, and I am not suggesting that we all get our passports and shots and run off to Africa. But I am suggesting that the idea of GO and DO takes getting your nails dirty, not just your checkbooks out.
The Bible uses the word GO 1,514 times. 1,514! Including Jesus’ last words to the disciples
Matthew 28:18-20 (The Message): "Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."
We are commanded to go. Ever heard of a Wild Goose Chase? This was a concept created by the ancient Celts. They called the Holy Spirit the Wild Goose. So a Wild Goose Chase was a journey one was sent out upon in order to get closer to the Holy Spirit and in turn closer to God. Sometimes our Wild Goose Chases are becoming the answer to our own prayers. Sometimes God lays things on our hearts and then, we pray over it, and we get this sinking suspicion that we are to do something about it. Not just pray, not just send money in support, but to GO and DO.
And this is the scary thing, sometimes that is the only plan you get. Not many of us jump at those things. We like the approach of sending something, we love the fact that we can be ever fervent in our prayers. But sometimes we are called to be more. We are not just called to pray over poverty in our community, we are to create outreach to let them know they are loved by God. (That is what I believe this Angel Food Ministries thing can be). We are to see people making a real effort to clean up their lives and their community and lend a helping hand. Sometimes we see them doing nothing at all to help themselves, we see them digging themselves deeper and deeper into their sins, and God calls us to reach out and be His mercy. We are not to be judgment (we are to have judgment) but God is the great judge. We are to be mercy, we are to be loving and kind and compassionate. And if it is used against us, we are not to be fools, but we should not withhold mercy. We should work to not be calloused over by the wickedness in the world, because even those who are abusing our mercy and seeing mercy from Christ. They are experiencing Him, and that is worth a few times of facing injustice in return.
I have talked a lot about the means, but I have yet to state the End. What are we aiming for? What is success in this adventure? To get ever closer to God. This is the END of our journey. The end that our means are getting us to. We are ever trying to get closer and closer to God. We want to be nearer to Him. Now many of us like to use this “nearness” as a means itself. That our being nearer to God will help us get what we want. But if that is the mindset, you are not making your relationship with God your focus, you are making yourself the focus. If we as a church are going to grow, it is going to be in searching and trusting in Christ and in the leaders He has established here in our church, that we are working for that one goal. That nearness. It is not an agenda to do his thing or her thing or even to balance his things and her things to not upset anyone. It is about doing God’s thing. And doing it WHOLEHEARTEDLY. In complete trust and faith, that it will get us to His presence. So this is my challenge to you today use the means of GO and DO to help get us to the End we so desire.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
SALVATION IS HERE
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
--Switchfoot (Dare You to Move)
I was never the boy who thought girls had cooties…I always liked them. I had a “girlfriend” since 1st grade (Tonya was the first). Growing up, I never was without one for long. I grew up in church and Christian school, but girls were my value, my worth, my addiction. It wasn’t bad parenting, it was just the way I was “wired,” I guess. I am not trying to start a debate on internal vs. external reasons for things, nor am I saying that God made a mistake with me, but I honestly believe that I came with this wiring and it is part of my gifts, but it is a part that is easy to screw up in very major ways.
Looking back now, when I was growing up I was told over and over and over again the dangers of alcohol and drugs and I kept myself pure from them, not drinking until I was of age. But I had not had those same lessons about sexual purity ingrained in me over and over again from a young age. And sadly, it is easy to screw up at a young age. I had a girlfriend all the way to my senior year of high school. I took that year “off” from girls to “find” myself. I do think I grew a lot that year. It was that year I fell in love with my wife, but it was also the beginning of a time where my problems festered and grabbed major roots.
But this goes much further back than Senior year…I saw my first Playboy at a friend’s grandfather’s house around the age of 10. I remember being drawn to it…wanting to see what the big deal was…being utterly amazed at what I found. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know why it was wrong. It was beautiful…it was like art…it was a woman…and what could be wrong with that. My friend was scared and didn’t really look, but I drank it in…I gulped my first sips of that sweet poison, and I have never forgotten it. It was not immediate, I am sure of that, but over time my mind kept remembering and was drawing me back for a repeat performance. The next years of this story all blur together from the same basic images burned into my mind constantly. I found any way possible to get my fix of naked women; I don’t believe I ever acted out in any rude or disgusting or vulgar way to the women in my life, but I was in constant search of my next fix.
The images of magazines, movies, TV, then later, all of a sudden, this concept of the internet was in my home. And it was all day every day available pornography, and all you had to do was click and say you were 18, no real check, just enter at will with one little “white lie.” I would overhear in the locker room the easiest and best ways to find it online and the sites to see, then when I got a chance I would go. I never shared those things, because then people would know what I was doing; and in my world, I was better than that, so silence was golden. I was addicted. I would sneak into other parts of the house after I was supposed to be asleep and watch dirty movies on HBO, or Cinemax, or Showtime. Sometimes I stayed awake for 3-4 hours just to get my rush. And when I would be going to sleep, I would be dreaming and fantasizing of me in those roles with the women I had seen. I bought my first video at 16; I was so nervous I would get carded. I practiced my response to that question numerous times before daring to go up to the counter. I was also so nervous, I looked at the video titles from the next aisle over in the store, so no one would know what I was doing. All of this led to me purchasing a 20 year old movie involving David Hasselhoff (even in this serious story, take the time to really think about that and chuckle). On the rare occasion I would go to a bookstore, I would go to the photography section and find photobooks of nude “art” so I could get my fix there as well. I would pull the swimsuit issue from the trash (my mom’s poison control) and look. I was completely desperate for my stimulus. There was a time when I couldn’t get to sleep without masturbating, I would lie awake for an hour and afterwards be asleep in 5 minutes. My mind was overrun with images and desires. I was utterly enamored with the female form. God is good and with women he was great. It was almost like the little devil and angel on my shoulder conversing; my mind would say “this is wrong,” then something would say “it is honoring the beautiful work of our magnificent creator.” (That is the most twisted Sunday School answer I think anyone has ever come up with)
All of these encounters affected my real relationships with girlfriends. I would desire for them to do those things with me. Not go “all the way,” but just make me felt like I felt when I was seeing those things on the screen. I wasn’t pushy or gross (I don’t believe I was), but my mind had turned what I had seen into the expectation of intimacy. Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to abstain from intercourse, but more damage was done than I care to admit.
In college, I remained physically pure with real women, but inside I was defiling my mind. I was around other guys to whom this was the norm and there were no issues in their mind (at least none I knew of). On the exterior I was much better than them, I respected women. But my insides were rotting from swirling through this addiction to this cesspool of smut. At some point though, I made a decision to quit. I don’t remember the exact time or place, but it was a conscious choice to do what was right. I was getting ready to get married, and I was getting myself back into the Word and my little angel on my shoulder finally won the battle he had been fighting for years. And it worked, I broke my addiction free and clean. No real help necessary, not really admitting anything to anyone, just me and God…then…
After being married for a little while, I was talking to my “best-friend” on the phone and he was living with another buddy of ours from high school. They had been talking about things from high school and the buddy mentioned about how on a missions trip in high school I had brought up my porn battles in a “debriefing” session with all the people in the room (male, female, leaders, my parents). I mentioned that was something the Lord had really laid upon my heart that I needed to come to grips with. On the phone, I could hear them both laughing and remembering how they had choked back chuckles when it had happened. Then replaying it over and over about who all was in the room and people’s faces. I remember thinking that I had opened my heart about something that was killing me on the inside, and it was a joke…I was a joke…obviously this must not be such a big deal…or being right and pure is a joke.
Immediately, like that night, I was back online…dying. Married…Christian… clean and sober for years…and one joke did me in. I knew it was wrong, but it was “normal”…something guys do…and to be a real man, I would do it too. No more “Sunday school” reasoning, this was about being a man.
All of a sudden I was back in my addiction…up to my neck…the one that “Christians” don’t deal with and DEFINITELY don’t talk about…and no friends to talk it out with. So I drank away my pain with my drug of choice, naked women. I started with my old sites, but in just a few years, the internet had expanded to no end. The sites you could share music with, could now be used for so much more. And then I found my biggest draw yet: stories. Letting my mind, that I had trained for years to have these visions, take off and run with whatever story I read. And this was from a guy who despised to read books. (On a positive, this experience taught me the joy of reading, and allowing the mind to run wild with ideas, just better content)
The reality was, I was dying to get caught, I was dying for someone to back up that little angel that I was no longer listening to. Someone to tell me this was WRONG, because I couldn’t believe it myself. I needed to be shaken or slapped or anything to get me back to thinking straight. I effected my life…and my marriage…I couldn’t treat my wife like I should…I couldn’t get to sleep without seeing naked women.
Then it finally happened. Innocently enough, my wife was looking for something she had seen online the day before and opened the history of our web browser. There was her worst nightmare laid out before her eyes in alarming detail, and she was married to it and carrying it’s child. We got counseling, I found a great friend I could talk to about things…things were great. Then the Lord asked us to move back home to Keystone…to help our struggling church…with a struggling staff that was all family. So when the Lord and family (with first time grandparents) call you home, you go. But your friends don’t move with you. And when you only have one, and he doesn’t come too…and your only “friend” here is the one who sent you back into your darkest places in the recent past…what is to happen, and why would God call us into that? The closest men in my life for over two years have been my father (the pastor) and my father-in-law; neither are ideal candidates for discussions about this type of struggle. And any acquaintances or friends that are new…it’s not easy to catch them up…not like you drop it into your introduction to each other…or over dinner…or really ANYWHERE. It’s not like a conversation naturally leads to that…and in all honesty it’s not like I am dying to share these stories of my greatness and nobility, honor and valor…I am talking about my nasty, vile, disgusting, secrets…that I am in many ways happy to keep secret…to use my clean start with new people. And from the outside, no one is going to steer me there as if I need it. From the outside I look silky smooth…I am the pastor’s son who is constantly helping at the church; I am married to the only woman I have ever slept with, and I am madly in love with her; I am a dad to an adorable little girl. Those things wouldn’t be in my past. But there they are.
But over these nearly three years…no friends…work…child…parents…church struggles…annoying people…faith challenges…building a house…another child…marriage…macho attitude…how it will reflect on my family…helping others…sponsoring clubs…wearing myself out…and no friends I feel I can rest upon, that I can let my guard down with, I have been pulled ever closer and closer to that deep end. I have stared my demons in the eyes…I have looked for what is on late night TV…I have been tempted to click on the dirty emails…I have typed my old internet haunts into the address bar…but each time, I have struggled to keep from drowning. My lungs have taken on water, I am coughing and hacking and churning to stay afloat…at times the waves calm, and it becomes easier for a while, but the root issues have to be addressed.
I have to find a place to pour my passions so that they will not be able to be sucked from my being through porn. And I need a friend to be able to open up to. This blog is becoming that, I get to shit out on a page for others to read, the contents of my heart. But the reality is that I can hide from this screen the lies and the pain and sorrow and addiction if I choose to. And my passion needs to be something to replace those evil desires in my being. I need something(s) that affects my spirit the same way, except for Good and not Evil…I need my redemption story…I need my purpose for this pain…I need my community of hope…I need my rescue line…I need my continual salvation…I need my truth…I need my salvation, and I need it daily…and it is continually provided…how cool is that?
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
--Switchfoot (Dare You to Move)
I was never the boy who thought girls had cooties…I always liked them. I had a “girlfriend” since 1st grade (Tonya was the first). Growing up, I never was without one for long. I grew up in church and Christian school, but girls were my value, my worth, my addiction. It wasn’t bad parenting, it was just the way I was “wired,” I guess. I am not trying to start a debate on internal vs. external reasons for things, nor am I saying that God made a mistake with me, but I honestly believe that I came with this wiring and it is part of my gifts, but it is a part that is easy to screw up in very major ways.
Looking back now, when I was growing up I was told over and over and over again the dangers of alcohol and drugs and I kept myself pure from them, not drinking until I was of age. But I had not had those same lessons about sexual purity ingrained in me over and over again from a young age. And sadly, it is easy to screw up at a young age. I had a girlfriend all the way to my senior year of high school. I took that year “off” from girls to “find” myself. I do think I grew a lot that year. It was that year I fell in love with my wife, but it was also the beginning of a time where my problems festered and grabbed major roots.
But this goes much further back than Senior year…I saw my first Playboy at a friend’s grandfather’s house around the age of 10. I remember being drawn to it…wanting to see what the big deal was…being utterly amazed at what I found. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know why it was wrong. It was beautiful…it was like art…it was a woman…and what could be wrong with that. My friend was scared and didn’t really look, but I drank it in…I gulped my first sips of that sweet poison, and I have never forgotten it. It was not immediate, I am sure of that, but over time my mind kept remembering and was drawing me back for a repeat performance. The next years of this story all blur together from the same basic images burned into my mind constantly. I found any way possible to get my fix of naked women; I don’t believe I ever acted out in any rude or disgusting or vulgar way to the women in my life, but I was in constant search of my next fix.
The images of magazines, movies, TV, then later, all of a sudden, this concept of the internet was in my home. And it was all day every day available pornography, and all you had to do was click and say you were 18, no real check, just enter at will with one little “white lie.” I would overhear in the locker room the easiest and best ways to find it online and the sites to see, then when I got a chance I would go. I never shared those things, because then people would know what I was doing; and in my world, I was better than that, so silence was golden. I was addicted. I would sneak into other parts of the house after I was supposed to be asleep and watch dirty movies on HBO, or Cinemax, or Showtime. Sometimes I stayed awake for 3-4 hours just to get my rush. And when I would be going to sleep, I would be dreaming and fantasizing of me in those roles with the women I had seen. I bought my first video at 16; I was so nervous I would get carded. I practiced my response to that question numerous times before daring to go up to the counter. I was also so nervous, I looked at the video titles from the next aisle over in the store, so no one would know what I was doing. All of this led to me purchasing a 20 year old movie involving David Hasselhoff (even in this serious story, take the time to really think about that and chuckle). On the rare occasion I would go to a bookstore, I would go to the photography section and find photobooks of nude “art” so I could get my fix there as well. I would pull the swimsuit issue from the trash (my mom’s poison control) and look. I was completely desperate for my stimulus. There was a time when I couldn’t get to sleep without masturbating, I would lie awake for an hour and afterwards be asleep in 5 minutes. My mind was overrun with images and desires. I was utterly enamored with the female form. God is good and with women he was great. It was almost like the little devil and angel on my shoulder conversing; my mind would say “this is wrong,” then something would say “it is honoring the beautiful work of our magnificent creator.” (That is the most twisted Sunday School answer I think anyone has ever come up with)
All of these encounters affected my real relationships with girlfriends. I would desire for them to do those things with me. Not go “all the way,” but just make me felt like I felt when I was seeing those things on the screen. I wasn’t pushy or gross (I don’t believe I was), but my mind had turned what I had seen into the expectation of intimacy. Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to abstain from intercourse, but more damage was done than I care to admit.
In college, I remained physically pure with real women, but inside I was defiling my mind. I was around other guys to whom this was the norm and there were no issues in their mind (at least none I knew of). On the exterior I was much better than them, I respected women. But my insides were rotting from swirling through this addiction to this cesspool of smut. At some point though, I made a decision to quit. I don’t remember the exact time or place, but it was a conscious choice to do what was right. I was getting ready to get married, and I was getting myself back into the Word and my little angel on my shoulder finally won the battle he had been fighting for years. And it worked, I broke my addiction free and clean. No real help necessary, not really admitting anything to anyone, just me and God…then…
After being married for a little while, I was talking to my “best-friend” on the phone and he was living with another buddy of ours from high school. They had been talking about things from high school and the buddy mentioned about how on a missions trip in high school I had brought up my porn battles in a “debriefing” session with all the people in the room (male, female, leaders, my parents). I mentioned that was something the Lord had really laid upon my heart that I needed to come to grips with. On the phone, I could hear them both laughing and remembering how they had choked back chuckles when it had happened. Then replaying it over and over about who all was in the room and people’s faces. I remember thinking that I had opened my heart about something that was killing me on the inside, and it was a joke…I was a joke…obviously this must not be such a big deal…or being right and pure is a joke.
Immediately, like that night, I was back online…dying. Married…Christian… clean and sober for years…and one joke did me in. I knew it was wrong, but it was “normal”…something guys do…and to be a real man, I would do it too. No more “Sunday school” reasoning, this was about being a man.
All of a sudden I was back in my addiction…up to my neck…the one that “Christians” don’t deal with and DEFINITELY don’t talk about…and no friends to talk it out with. So I drank away my pain with my drug of choice, naked women. I started with my old sites, but in just a few years, the internet had expanded to no end. The sites you could share music with, could now be used for so much more. And then I found my biggest draw yet: stories. Letting my mind, that I had trained for years to have these visions, take off and run with whatever story I read. And this was from a guy who despised to read books. (On a positive, this experience taught me the joy of reading, and allowing the mind to run wild with ideas, just better content)
The reality was, I was dying to get caught, I was dying for someone to back up that little angel that I was no longer listening to. Someone to tell me this was WRONG, because I couldn’t believe it myself. I needed to be shaken or slapped or anything to get me back to thinking straight. I effected my life…and my marriage…I couldn’t treat my wife like I should…I couldn’t get to sleep without seeing naked women.
Then it finally happened. Innocently enough, my wife was looking for something she had seen online the day before and opened the history of our web browser. There was her worst nightmare laid out before her eyes in alarming detail, and she was married to it and carrying it’s child. We got counseling, I found a great friend I could talk to about things…things were great. Then the Lord asked us to move back home to Keystone…to help our struggling church…with a struggling staff that was all family. So when the Lord and family (with first time grandparents) call you home, you go. But your friends don’t move with you. And when you only have one, and he doesn’t come too…and your only “friend” here is the one who sent you back into your darkest places in the recent past…what is to happen, and why would God call us into that? The closest men in my life for over two years have been my father (the pastor) and my father-in-law; neither are ideal candidates for discussions about this type of struggle. And any acquaintances or friends that are new…it’s not easy to catch them up…not like you drop it into your introduction to each other…or over dinner…or really ANYWHERE. It’s not like a conversation naturally leads to that…and in all honesty it’s not like I am dying to share these stories of my greatness and nobility, honor and valor…I am talking about my nasty, vile, disgusting, secrets…that I am in many ways happy to keep secret…to use my clean start with new people. And from the outside, no one is going to steer me there as if I need it. From the outside I look silky smooth…I am the pastor’s son who is constantly helping at the church; I am married to the only woman I have ever slept with, and I am madly in love with her; I am a dad to an adorable little girl. Those things wouldn’t be in my past. But there they are.
But over these nearly three years…no friends…work…child…parents…church struggles…annoying people…faith challenges…building a house…another child…marriage…macho attitude…how it will reflect on my family…helping others…sponsoring clubs…wearing myself out…and no friends I feel I can rest upon, that I can let my guard down with, I have been pulled ever closer and closer to that deep end. I have stared my demons in the eyes…I have looked for what is on late night TV…I have been tempted to click on the dirty emails…I have typed my old internet haunts into the address bar…but each time, I have struggled to keep from drowning. My lungs have taken on water, I am coughing and hacking and churning to stay afloat…at times the waves calm, and it becomes easier for a while, but the root issues have to be addressed.
I have to find a place to pour my passions so that they will not be able to be sucked from my being through porn. And I need a friend to be able to open up to. This blog is becoming that, I get to shit out on a page for others to read, the contents of my heart. But the reality is that I can hide from this screen the lies and the pain and sorrow and addiction if I choose to. And my passion needs to be something to replace those evil desires in my being. I need something(s) that affects my spirit the same way, except for Good and not Evil…I need my redemption story…I need my purpose for this pain…I need my community of hope…I need my rescue line…I need my continual salvation…I need my truth…I need my salvation, and I need it daily…and it is continually provided…how cool is that?
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