Have you ever just felt dead? Emotionally drained? Physically whipped? Spiritually disconnected? Blah? Head in a fog? That's where I am right now...just dead. Like I am even working to breathe. I know I have plenty of reasons I should be that way...building a home, pregnant wife, middle of a season, building a home, looming budget cuts, challenging daughter, staying up too late, building a home, getting up too early, RUN RUN RUN, a little congestion, and I am sure there is more that I can't think of right now. Even posting this is like excruciating work for me. Negativity is pouring in. Who cares? Why are you writing this to no one? This is like talking to yourself, only more pathetic...Is all you can do is make stupid lists about your pretty damn good life?
God I need a rest...a break...a positive breakthrough...a slumpbuster...a resolution...PEACE!!!!!
What do you say when you have nothing to say, but feel the need to write? What do you do when you have so much to do, but all you want to do is get away? How do you sleep when all you can think about is all you have to get done, or what you haven't done? How do you see your wife awake for 2 hours in a day and spend it talking baseball or (not)watching American Idol? How do you not see your daughter awake at all and think you have time for another one?
Reading Purpose for the Pain, is this my version of being "there?" That place you feel you can't get out of? The one people turn to drugs, alcohol, cutting, self-destruction over? I can see how, I can see why, if those were things in my life I would be turning to them right now. Instead I turn to eating, tv, and I am drawn to other lustful behaviors from my past. For no other reason than...I don't even know why. I know they are destructive, I know they are not helping me, I know they are escapes, but they aren't nearly as bad as the drugs, alcohol, and cutting.
So I sit here paradoxically numb and in pain at once...staring at the pills and razor blades of my life...staring and waiting...waiting for one of us to blink...playing chicken with my deepest, darkest demons...hoping to hold out, afraid I can't...afraid I am not strong enough to carry the load...afraid I am not good enough for the life I have...afraid that if doing my best makes me feel like this why am I working so hard for it...afraid...
This is not a sitcom, it's not resolving by the end...still waiting for the happy ending...still waiting for the resolution...waiting to find the purpose for this pain
Gotta get back to "real life"...back to work...let me find where I set my mask down...gotta cover my pain...before somebody sees...ME
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Purpose for the Pain
Haven't posted in a while. Not sure why (other than I am busy as hades). Just started reading Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe. These are a compilation of Journals from Renee over the years. Renee is the inspiration for my favorite site, TWLOHA. She was in deep in drugs, alcohol, self-cutting, near death. She was surrounded by friends and people she had never met that pour love into her soul. They immersed her into the love of Christ. She grew up in church, she knew it was there, but she had run so hard from it...But Jesus never stopped coming after her. I am in awe of her writing, so I am excerpting pieces here that really hit home with me. I hope you enjoy...
...But I will keep feeling,
even if it kills me,
because apathy is not living.
--Renee Yohe
...But I won't allow you to reside there
I won't grant permanence to my position
I WILL FORGIVE YOU.
--Renee Yohe
RE-BIRTH
Fear. Overwhelming doubt.
Searching frantically for expiration dates,
to mark the end of this newly purchased life,
when the light will run out.
Tremors. Of hope come and go.
Grasping with all I am,
with the desperate strength of despair,
lest I slip from the life and fall below.
Running, chasing, glimpse of a smile,
Pursuing shadows as fast as my heart will beat,
until my lungs explode
to convince this utopian dream to last a while.
Climbing a burning rope.
Scaling cliffsides to safety,
weary, pulling myself up, plagued with lethargy,
bruised, bloody, and broke.
Thriving. Swimming in a foggy haze.
Uncertain, yet boldly daring,
to mold this new world,
thrusting, in the promise of better days.
--Renee Yohe
A PRAYER
I hurt everywhere, and no where all at once. I feel so disillusioned, yet its catalyst was clarity. Reality shifted through the cracks, a rude awakening. Why would you give me these dreams? You compare yourself to a parent - if your child asked for food you would not give him a stone, these dreams are outstretched arms reaching as the child to it's father, feed my soul. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my failures, for my doubts, help me not to put you in a box. Mend me, use me, I am yours. Thank you for always pursuing me, even when I turn my back and run. You're incredible, I take you for granted, I'm so sorry. Father, Friend, Shepard, Pursuer of my soul, HEALER, Light. Thank you. I love you.
--Renee Yohe
...But I will keep feeling,
even if it kills me,
because apathy is not living.
--Renee Yohe
...But I won't allow you to reside there
I won't grant permanence to my position
I WILL FORGIVE YOU.
--Renee Yohe
RE-BIRTH
Fear. Overwhelming doubt.
Searching frantically for expiration dates,
to mark the end of this newly purchased life,
when the light will run out.
Tremors. Of hope come and go.
Grasping with all I am,
with the desperate strength of despair,
lest I slip from the life and fall below.
Running, chasing, glimpse of a smile,
Pursuing shadows as fast as my heart will beat,
until my lungs explode
to convince this utopian dream to last a while.
Climbing a burning rope.
Scaling cliffsides to safety,
weary, pulling myself up, plagued with lethargy,
bruised, bloody, and broke.
Thriving. Swimming in a foggy haze.
Uncertain, yet boldly daring,
to mold this new world,
thrusting, in the promise of better days.
--Renee Yohe
A PRAYER
I hurt everywhere, and no where all at once. I feel so disillusioned, yet its catalyst was clarity. Reality shifted through the cracks, a rude awakening. Why would you give me these dreams? You compare yourself to a parent - if your child asked for food you would not give him a stone, these dreams are outstretched arms reaching as the child to it's father, feed my soul. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my failures, for my doubts, help me not to put you in a box. Mend me, use me, I am yours. Thank you for always pursuing me, even when I turn my back and run. You're incredible, I take you for granted, I'm so sorry. Father, Friend, Shepard, Pursuer of my soul, HEALER, Light. Thank you. I love you.
--Renee Yohe
Friday, January 30, 2009
Salt
In Do Hard Things, they started talking about how we are asked to be the salt of the earth. In biblical times, the salt was what was used to preserve the meat for people to eat. It was rubbed into the meat to slow the process of decay. But the only way to slow the process of decay was to be rubbed into the meat, to be spread out over the decaying flesh. It wasn't done by just the act of being salt, it had to be put to work. It had to be removed from the comfy spot next to all the other salt crystals...it had to be spread out from the others it had spent time with to be useful...we have to be in the world but not of it.
This is pretty counter to what has been done in most churches for a very long time. We only go out to scream at people that they are decaying, we love to yell and "preach" to them all about their decay, but we refuse to infuse ourselves into their lives. We refuse to touch them and mingle, why do that when yelling is so effective? But to really preserve them, it is messy...it takes throwing yourself in...risking touching others who are decaying, and getting some of that decay on you...it is inevitable, when you rub up on decay, it will get on you, and it will be stinky, nasty, death...but you will be bringing that person life, and life more abundant...you will be helping to keep them alive to fulfill their purpose.
It takes a sacrifice...and it takes strength. The next line is a warning: DO NOT LOSE YOUR SALTINESS!!!!! This is the churches job: retain, refresh, renew our saltiness, so that we may go back out into the smelly, stinky, nasty, DYING world and preserve it for the coming of our Savior. We are to be brothers and sisters to the other salt crystals, we are to help them retain their strength for the battle. There will be some who will be overcome by the death all around them, they will be losing their battle to preserve and will actually start decaying themselves. We need to be after them too.
The church is to blame for the state of our country. We haven't been preserving the meat, we have been preaching at it about the hot fire they are about to partake in (the Grill). We haven't been stopping the decay effectively, probably because we have been refusing to go out into it and get ourselves dirty. It's not wearing t-shirts and buttons for the political candidate of the hour...it is not holding signs and rallies to push our agenda...it is not standing out holding a sign to change people's minds. NOT THAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS ARE BAD!!!!! WE ARE TO STAND UP FOR OUR BELIEFS!!!!! BUT...we are to get into lives and change them one at a time...we are to preserve individuals...we are called to people not politics...we pray to God, not to government...we fight the death and decay by jumping into the midst of it and beating the hell out of it...we are called to preserve and save that one single piece of meat because it is vitally important to our God; then once it is preserved, we find the next one to do the same.
Ok, a thought just jumped on me, so it may not fit into the "flow" of this post. If we are battling a SIN we are surely to lose. Satan is the author and authority of all sin, HE IS SIN!!!!! We cannot defeat sin/Satan in this world...God is coming back soon to do that for us. We are to take on the people, they are created by God and have that light somewhere within them...it is a winnable battle. We are salt, we can preserve the meat...but we are not really able to put out the fire. We need to do our job.
This post was supposed to be about salt and light...I kinda got stuck on salt...maybe more on light to come later...maybe not...
Isaac
This is pretty counter to what has been done in most churches for a very long time. We only go out to scream at people that they are decaying, we love to yell and "preach" to them all about their decay, but we refuse to infuse ourselves into their lives. We refuse to touch them and mingle, why do that when yelling is so effective? But to really preserve them, it is messy...it takes throwing yourself in...risking touching others who are decaying, and getting some of that decay on you...it is inevitable, when you rub up on decay, it will get on you, and it will be stinky, nasty, death...but you will be bringing that person life, and life more abundant...you will be helping to keep them alive to fulfill their purpose.
It takes a sacrifice...and it takes strength. The next line is a warning: DO NOT LOSE YOUR SALTINESS!!!!! This is the churches job: retain, refresh, renew our saltiness, so that we may go back out into the smelly, stinky, nasty, DYING world and preserve it for the coming of our Savior. We are to be brothers and sisters to the other salt crystals, we are to help them retain their strength for the battle. There will be some who will be overcome by the death all around them, they will be losing their battle to preserve and will actually start decaying themselves. We need to be after them too.
The church is to blame for the state of our country. We haven't been preserving the meat, we have been preaching at it about the hot fire they are about to partake in (the Grill). We haven't been stopping the decay effectively, probably because we have been refusing to go out into it and get ourselves dirty. It's not wearing t-shirts and buttons for the political candidate of the hour...it is not holding signs and rallies to push our agenda...it is not standing out holding a sign to change people's minds. NOT THAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS ARE BAD!!!!! WE ARE TO STAND UP FOR OUR BELIEFS!!!!! BUT...we are to get into lives and change them one at a time...we are to preserve individuals...we are called to people not politics...we pray to God, not to government...we fight the death and decay by jumping into the midst of it and beating the hell out of it...we are called to preserve and save that one single piece of meat because it is vitally important to our God; then once it is preserved, we find the next one to do the same.
Ok, a thought just jumped on me, so it may not fit into the "flow" of this post. If we are battling a SIN we are surely to lose. Satan is the author and authority of all sin, HE IS SIN!!!!! We cannot defeat sin/Satan in this world...God is coming back soon to do that for us. We are to take on the people, they are created by God and have that light somewhere within them...it is a winnable battle. We are salt, we can preserve the meat...but we are not really able to put out the fire. We need to do our job.
This post was supposed to be about salt and light...I kinda got stuck on salt...maybe more on light to come later...maybe not...
Isaac
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Do Hard Things
Okay, so I am reading the book "Do Hard Things" with is a book written by teens to challenge other teens to push themselves to their limits...to not settle for the bare minimums that most adults set for them...to start becoming what God wants them to be NOW...to gain experience...to grow. I am loving it, it is making me think about my teaching and dealing with teenagers everyday and how I can do them a disservice to go easy on them. I need to keep challenging them, and pushing them, and encouraging them to reach out and stretch, for that this the only way they will know their true reach. I highly recommend it for anyone who works with teens or is parenting them. Anyways...
They are currently taking about stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing past that first step. It really is the hardest one. They talked about a cartographer in England who was mapping North America and in places he never went he wrote things like "Here be giants," "Here be fiery scorpions," "Here be dragons." Now I haven't seen all of North America, but I have never seen any of those things in my travels. Now imagine being that next cartographer charged with mapping North America, you would be more hesitant and fearful of THINGS THAT ARE NOT REALLY THERE. It is the fear of the scary things, not the scary things that most often stop us from DOING.
How many times have you not done something out of FEAR that something might happen? Our imaginations are powerful things and we can come up with some real far-fetched concepts and stories that can hold us back from doing things. Does that mean we shouldn't lock our doors at night, or anything like that? Of course not, but if you feel God urging you to do something, if you know that something is right, and the only thing stopping you is the fear of something unseen. You need to overcome that fear and do it. Even when we fail and we fall flat on our faces, very rarely is the outcome as bad as the vision our mind has played out hundreds of times before.
Corrie ten Boom said, "Never be afraid to trust and unknown future to a known God." It comes back to your trust in God...how big is He?...How much does He love you?...Does He care for your everyday struggles? Do you have faith that He will catch you if you fall, or that He will let you fall so that you learn how to take a few bumps and bruises along the way, or just to see that the fall wasn't as bad as you thought anyway. But it takes that faith of the first step...once you have taken it, each on there after is easier...but it is hard to leave the comfort of the boat. Someone recently asked me if I had a quote I could share on the importance of doubt in faith. I didn't have one for them (if you do, leave it as a comment, I would love to read it)...but here are my thoughts on it...If there is no doubt, there is no room for faith in God. I have never met a person who had put every bit of their flesh and "rational" mind aside enough to have NO doubt when they are stretching themselves, it may be minor or just a little glimmer, but there is some doubt there. If there isn't are you really trusting Him? If you could do it on your own without God's help, then your faith is in you and not Him. So if you are stretching and pushing and growing and trusting, you are doubting, but you are also defeating that doubt. That is the important part. Mark Twain said "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear." The same is true for faith and doubt.
They are currently taking about stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing past that first step. It really is the hardest one. They talked about a cartographer in England who was mapping North America and in places he never went he wrote things like "Here be giants," "Here be fiery scorpions," "Here be dragons." Now I haven't seen all of North America, but I have never seen any of those things in my travels. Now imagine being that next cartographer charged with mapping North America, you would be more hesitant and fearful of THINGS THAT ARE NOT REALLY THERE. It is the fear of the scary things, not the scary things that most often stop us from DOING.
How many times have you not done something out of FEAR that something might happen? Our imaginations are powerful things and we can come up with some real far-fetched concepts and stories that can hold us back from doing things. Does that mean we shouldn't lock our doors at night, or anything like that? Of course not, but if you feel God urging you to do something, if you know that something is right, and the only thing stopping you is the fear of something unseen. You need to overcome that fear and do it. Even when we fail and we fall flat on our faces, very rarely is the outcome as bad as the vision our mind has played out hundreds of times before.
Corrie ten Boom said, "Never be afraid to trust and unknown future to a known God." It comes back to your trust in God...how big is He?...How much does He love you?...Does He care for your everyday struggles? Do you have faith that He will catch you if you fall, or that He will let you fall so that you learn how to take a few bumps and bruises along the way, or just to see that the fall wasn't as bad as you thought anyway. But it takes that faith of the first step...once you have taken it, each on there after is easier...but it is hard to leave the comfort of the boat. Someone recently asked me if I had a quote I could share on the importance of doubt in faith. I didn't have one for them (if you do, leave it as a comment, I would love to read it)...but here are my thoughts on it...If there is no doubt, there is no room for faith in God. I have never met a person who had put every bit of their flesh and "rational" mind aside enough to have NO doubt when they are stretching themselves, it may be minor or just a little glimmer, but there is some doubt there. If there isn't are you really trusting Him? If you could do it on your own without God's help, then your faith is in you and not Him. So if you are stretching and pushing and growing and trusting, you are doubting, but you are also defeating that doubt. That is the important part. Mark Twain said "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear." The same is true for faith and doubt.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I LOVE TWLOHA!!!!
OK, I have been really being attacked lately in both this world, and spiritually. No posts in a week due to just being...blah...busy...tired...annoyed...whatever. I knew I needed to post today...needed to get me out there to my friends and followers. But I felt nothing, I am reading a great new book about challenging teens to live up to potential, to get out of the rut of the easy way out. Loving it, but nothing really to post about. I was starting to wonder if God was taking a break from my endless ramblings...maybe just telling me to shut-up for a while (and maybe He is/was). So I will give to you in my stead the ramblings of Jamie at TWLOHA. This is his blog post...makes me love that community even more.
http://www.twloha.com/blog/happy-birthday
Thank you for being my community. Kinda a small community, but you are the best. I love you all, thanks for giving a shit. You are the best...
Isaac
http://www.twloha.com/blog/happy-birthday
Thank you for being my community. Kinda a small community, but you are the best. I love you all, thanks for giving a shit. You are the best...
Isaac
Saturday, January 17, 2009
More on Church
I am loving this book So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore? I think I was clear in my last post that I am not against church, in fact I love it, but it can be (and so many times it is) seriously screwed up. I also don't think I could be reading a better book so soon after Ragamuffin, it is almost like these 2 books should be sold in a 2 pack, one for the non-fiction "real" perspective, and one for the fiction application story to understand grace and how we so often screw it up (and many times in well meaning and very subtle ways).
I just finished another chapter, and once again I was hit with this overwhelming grace that we get from our Lord and Savior, yet so often we refuse to receive it. It is a gift given to us at all times, but when we get ourselves so wrapped up in judging ourselves and feeling so unworthy of it (basically when we need it most), we refuse it. In this passage from the book, the 2 main characters are talking about how we equate Christianity to good ethics. And one says to the other, "You are so caught up in a system of reward and punishment that you're missing the simple relationship he wants to have with you." The other asks about getting His love by living up to his standards. And I love the response. "That's where you are backward. We don't get His love by living up to His standards. We find His love in the most broken places of our lives. As we let Him love us there and discover how to love Him in return, we'll find our lives changing in that relationship." Christians love to say, "He loved you when you were yet a sinner." But even after salvation, we are sinners, and HE STILL LOVES US!!!!! He loves us in spite of our sin...He hates the sin, loves the sinner...He doesn't have a hierarchy of sins, some He can overlook and love you through, He loves you through them all. How 'bout them apples? My Christian "Sunday School" mind wants me to add, "He is disappointed, but He loves you," but I am not so sure about that. All I know for a fact is He hates sin, but He loves YOU. Disappointment conjures ideas of removal of love, and I don't believe that, no matter how much my mind tries to convince me of it. It makes me feel unlovable, but it doesn't affect His love. It just causes me to harm my relationship with Him. He doesn't change...God is always there...I just pull away.
I love the phrase..."We find His love in the MOST BROKEN PLACES OF OUR LIVES." Have you ever found that, one the way down, while the cracks are forming and you are starting to fall apart, you feel no love...you feel unlovable...but if you ever "hit bottom" and you give up your pride and self-consciousness...when you are completely broken and you can no longer hide it...do you not ALWAYS FIND HIM THERE...ARMS OPEN...TEARS FORMING...NO QUESTIONS...NO CONDEMNATION...NO PUNISHMENT...JUST A GIANT BEAR HUG FROM YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR.
Why is it important to get this message out? Why are TWLOHA and HopeLine and other networks of their ilk so important, and why does the church need to become relevant and outreaching again? Because there are people out there that are hitting bottom...they are suffering...and their picture of love from people is so messed up that they can't recognize the love that Jesus has for them...even at that rock bottom place they are at. Jesus is the only thing that can save them, but you and I and other people can help to be that bridge to get them there, to listen and love and not judge or condemn and let them know love from us so they can see the more awesome and powerful love from HIM.
I just finished another chapter, and once again I was hit with this overwhelming grace that we get from our Lord and Savior, yet so often we refuse to receive it. It is a gift given to us at all times, but when we get ourselves so wrapped up in judging ourselves and feeling so unworthy of it (basically when we need it most), we refuse it. In this passage from the book, the 2 main characters are talking about how we equate Christianity to good ethics. And one says to the other, "You are so caught up in a system of reward and punishment that you're missing the simple relationship he wants to have with you." The other asks about getting His love by living up to his standards. And I love the response. "That's where you are backward. We don't get His love by living up to His standards. We find His love in the most broken places of our lives. As we let Him love us there and discover how to love Him in return, we'll find our lives changing in that relationship." Christians love to say, "He loved you when you were yet a sinner." But even after salvation, we are sinners, and HE STILL LOVES US!!!!! He loves us in spite of our sin...He hates the sin, loves the sinner...He doesn't have a hierarchy of sins, some He can overlook and love you through, He loves you through them all. How 'bout them apples? My Christian "Sunday School" mind wants me to add, "He is disappointed, but He loves you," but I am not so sure about that. All I know for a fact is He hates sin, but He loves YOU. Disappointment conjures ideas of removal of love, and I don't believe that, no matter how much my mind tries to convince me of it. It makes me feel unlovable, but it doesn't affect His love. It just causes me to harm my relationship with Him. He doesn't change...God is always there...I just pull away.
I love the phrase..."We find His love in the MOST BROKEN PLACES OF OUR LIVES." Have you ever found that, one the way down, while the cracks are forming and you are starting to fall apart, you feel no love...you feel unlovable...but if you ever "hit bottom" and you give up your pride and self-consciousness...when you are completely broken and you can no longer hide it...do you not ALWAYS FIND HIM THERE...ARMS OPEN...TEARS FORMING...NO QUESTIONS...NO CONDEMNATION...NO PUNISHMENT...JUST A GIANT BEAR HUG FROM YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR.
Why is it important to get this message out? Why are TWLOHA and HopeLine and other networks of their ilk so important, and why does the church need to become relevant and outreaching again? Because there are people out there that are hitting bottom...they are suffering...and their picture of love from people is so messed up that they can't recognize the love that Jesus has for them...even at that rock bottom place they are at. Jesus is the only thing that can save them, but you and I and other people can help to be that bridge to get them there, to listen and love and not judge or condemn and let them know love from us so they can see the more awesome and powerful love from HIM.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
FROM HEAVY AND LIGHT
Here was the opening video from Heavy and Light the other night, we couldn't really see it there because of where we were when it played, but it basically sums up the purpose of TWLOHA and the night itself
ENJOY
http://vimeo.com/2807386
ENJOY
http://vimeo.com/2807386
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