Jamie Tworkowski posted this yesterday, it is the mission statement for a CD by the Avett Brothers. A MISSION STATEMENT FOR A CD!!!!! It is awesome, never heard their music, but I will probably be buying some soon. This just rocks, hope you enjoy and maybe one day I will post an original thought again.
Isaac
"The words "I" and "Love" and "You" are the watermark of humanity. Strung together, they convey our deepest sense of humility, of power, of truth. It is our most common sentiment, even as the feeling of it is so infinitely uncommon: each to proclaim these three words with his or her very own heart and mindset of reason (or lack thereof); a proclamation completely and perfectly new each time it is offered. Uttered daily and nightly by millions, the words are said in an unending array of circumstances : whispered to a newborn in a mothers arms; shared between best friends on the playground; in the form of sympathy - said by a girl to a boy, as the respect continues but the relationship does not. It is said too loudly by parents to embarassed children in the company of their friends, and by grown children - to their fading parents in hospital beds. The words are thought in the company of the photograph and said in the company of the gravestone. It is how we end our phone calls and our letters... the words at the bottom of the page that trump all those above it, a way to gracefully finish a message, however important or trivial, with the most meaningful gifl of all : the communication of love. And yet the words themselves have been the victims of triviality, a ready replacement for lesser salutations among near strangers, burst forth casually as "love ya." Truly? To what degree? Why, how much, and for how long? These are questions befitting of the stature of love, though not the everyday banter of vague acquaintance. The words have also been twisted by the dark nature of deceit : To say "I love you" with a dramatic measure of synthetic emotion; a snare set by those who prey uponn fellow humanity, driven to whatever selfish end, to gain access to another's body, or their money, or their opportunity. In this realm, the proclamation is disgraced by one seeking to gain rather than to give. In any case, and by whatever inspiration, these words are woven deeply in to the fibers of our existence. Our longing to hear them from the right place is maddeningly and simultaneously our finest strength and our most gentle weakness.The album "I and Love and You" is inashamedly defined by such a dynamic of duality. As living people, we are bound by this unavoidable parallel. We are powerful yet weak, capable yet temporary. Inevitably, an attempt to place honesty within an artistic avenue will follow suit. This is a piece which shows us as we are : products of love surrounded by struggle. The music herein is, in many ways, readable as both a milestone and an arrival. A chapter in the story of young men, it bridges the space between the uncertainty of youth and the reality of it's release. The record is full with the quality of the question and response. As far as questions go, there are plenty-normally residing within the tone and delivery of the lyrics themselves, which, ironically, are sung with so much confidence. Among songs and thoughts so driven and purposeful, the most basic relatable doubt comes through with a resounding clarity. Outside of the eternal theme of romantic love, the album speaks thankfully upon a landscape of light-filled rooms, word-filled pages, time machines, forgiveness, singing birds, ocean waves, art, change, confessions of shortcomings, and reasons to continue on. Hope and a cause for smiling follow naturally. In the midst of all this, there are allusions to the less-than-ideal conditions of life : the loss of memory, the inability to control temper, insecurity, indecision, jaded indifference, and the general plague of former and current weakness. "I and Love and You" is an album of obvious human creation, chracterized by it's best and it's worst. Emotional imperfection is a reality for those who recorded the piece, just as it is for those who will hear it. The conclusion of the song from which the title is taken admits that the words "I love you" have become "hard to say". And perhaps that difficulty is as common as it's counterpart. Perhaps the inability to say these heaviest of words is as much a part of life as the lighthearted candor of those who say them without any difficulty at all. And so it ends with the phrase whispered to and by those of us most defeated and most elated... I and love and you."
- The Avett Brothers
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Crazy Plan Man!!!!!
OK, so I am almost finished with Don Miller’s book. He talks of riding his bike across the country (LA to DC) with a group to raise money for clean water wells in Africa. I have decided I want to do this, but cannot imagine doing this without my family being with me, so the immediate future is somewhat out of the question. And I can’t imagine riding without my crew, I don’t even know who that is, but I will need some company along the way. I have always wanted to see the country and I want to take my time and I want the experience and the story of doing this with my kids, and I want them to remember and be a part of this story.
So, here is the plan. In the summer of 2020 (just over 10 years from now), I am going. Carey just laughed at me when I said this on the phone, so she may or may not be coming with me/us. People can ride as much or as little as they want (though I want to ride it all). We will all have bikes, and we will have a car (or more if necessary) and ride. I am starting in Seattle (this gives me an excuse and a chance to go there) and get to the East Coast (I am thinking DC or maybe just here at home, good old Crescent Beach). I would love for this ride to raise money or awareness, but more than that, I want it to be an experience. I want to live this dream, I want to take my kids into this story.
And I may be an idiot for saying I will do this in 10 years, but why not?
So, here is the plan. In the summer of 2020 (just over 10 years from now), I am going. Carey just laughed at me when I said this on the phone, so she may or may not be coming with me/us. People can ride as much or as little as they want (though I want to ride it all). We will all have bikes, and we will have a car (or more if necessary) and ride. I am starting in Seattle (this gives me an excuse and a chance to go there) and get to the East Coast (I am thinking DC or maybe just here at home, good old Crescent Beach). I would love for this ride to raise money or awareness, but more than that, I want it to be an experience. I want to live this dream, I want to take my kids into this story.
And I may be an idiot for saying I will do this in 10 years, but why not?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
About time
So it has been a while for me (not that I don't have some kick ass excuses for not writing), but I have been in another low lately, and I was feeling like that was all I ever write about and I refused to be that guy. Isn't it amazing how nothing...little stupid things that you think about yourself just stick in your mind and get you down.
I really think that was part of the fall in the garden, by letting sin into our lives, we lost our confidence in ourselves...we lost our confidence in others. Why is it when I don't talk to someone for a while I feel this giant rift...I feel like they don't like me or love me...I feel like I am worthless and mean nothing to them...that I am uncared for and unloved. What makes it be that way? Could it have been that the tree of knowledge of good and evil made us recognize our evil nature, but since we were created in the image of God (who is good) we cannot stand ourselves? Maybe I am just making crap up here, but this seriously is making more sense to me know than ever before. When we have people that we love and respect we tend to think of them as better than us...that we are the lucky ones to be in the relationship with that person (again, maybe this is just me). So when I lose that communication that I am used to, I feel that they have finally wised up to my dirty sinful worthless nature. It is not that I think the worst of them, I think the worst of myself. I still get angry...I still project things onto them (because that is easier than actually cleansing the dirt from my own life)...I try to bring that person down to my own level in my eyes so that it feels that I haven't lost as much...but in reality, it may be nothing at all. It may be we are just both busy. It may be that it is just as much my fault that we have lost touch for a period of time. It may be that they are feeling the same way...
This is a random post because this is not even close to what I was thinking I was going to write about. I had some thoughts after reading the blog I just posted. I just loved some of the lines..."people make mistakes but maybe God does not." "There are people who invest in stocks and there are people who invest in stories." "easier to say 'community' from a stage, easier to be busy than known." "I'm 29 years old. I should have my shit together by now."
But the post is so much more than just a collection of good lines, it is about friendship and family and love and hope. It is a story...it is people...it is life...it is what I want. I wish I were that open with my life...I wish I were able to talk about more than the latest sports stories and market problems and political agendas and church crap. I wish I had the balls to let people know me...to wear my heart on my sleeve...to open my life up to people to read and learn and pray and peruse and possibly use...to take the shit from my life and expose it to the air so that I can stop suffocating myself with it's stench being closed up inside...to hear the comments, negative or not, and know that it doesn't matter as long as I am being myself.
School will be back soon, so maybe that means I will get back into the posting spirit soon. Don Miller's book comes out soon, it is all about story and the life you are living (making your story great). It is only $13-14 at amazon, just FYI
Isaac
I really think that was part of the fall in the garden, by letting sin into our lives, we lost our confidence in ourselves...we lost our confidence in others. Why is it when I don't talk to someone for a while I feel this giant rift...I feel like they don't like me or love me...I feel like I am worthless and mean nothing to them...that I am uncared for and unloved. What makes it be that way? Could it have been that the tree of knowledge of good and evil made us recognize our evil nature, but since we were created in the image of God (who is good) we cannot stand ourselves? Maybe I am just making crap up here, but this seriously is making more sense to me know than ever before. When we have people that we love and respect we tend to think of them as better than us...that we are the lucky ones to be in the relationship with that person (again, maybe this is just me). So when I lose that communication that I am used to, I feel that they have finally wised up to my dirty sinful worthless nature. It is not that I think the worst of them, I think the worst of myself. I still get angry...I still project things onto them (because that is easier than actually cleansing the dirt from my own life)...I try to bring that person down to my own level in my eyes so that it feels that I haven't lost as much...but in reality, it may be nothing at all. It may be we are just both busy. It may be that it is just as much my fault that we have lost touch for a period of time. It may be that they are feeling the same way...
This is a random post because this is not even close to what I was thinking I was going to write about. I had some thoughts after reading the blog I just posted. I just loved some of the lines..."people make mistakes but maybe God does not." "There are people who invest in stocks and there are people who invest in stories." "easier to say 'community' from a stage, easier to be busy than known." "I'm 29 years old. I should have my shit together by now."
But the post is so much more than just a collection of good lines, it is about friendship and family and love and hope. It is a story...it is people...it is life...it is what I want. I wish I were that open with my life...I wish I were able to talk about more than the latest sports stories and market problems and political agendas and church crap. I wish I had the balls to let people know me...to wear my heart on my sleeve...to open my life up to people to read and learn and pray and peruse and possibly use...to take the shit from my life and expose it to the air so that I can stop suffocating myself with it's stench being closed up inside...to hear the comments, negative or not, and know that it doesn't matter as long as I am being myself.
School will be back soon, so maybe that means I will get back into the posting spirit soon. Don Miller's book comes out soon, it is all about story and the life you are living (making your story great). It is only $13-14 at amazon, just FYI
Isaac
From TWLOHA
Worth the read...Great lines, great words, great heart...I would add to the lists (crazy things worth doing just to say you did) Enjoy
There is a family headed west on I-10 right now...
Aug. 11, 2009 at 2:16pm
There is a family headed west on I-10 right now. This is for them...
Part of it was the place, this Canaveral condo, this house so much a home. i remember sitting with Byron in this living room five years ago, me on the couch and him on the chair across from me, me there and filled with questions, always bringing him my pain, because he would listen, because he was brilliant but more because he cared. i remember him listening for an hour, me talking through my tears... Eventually, in a quiet moment, he shared that he had some news of his own. His girlfriend Amanda was pregnant. They had been close to breaking up but now she was pregnant with his child. i remember not knowing what to say but finally asking how he felt and i remember him saying that people make mistakes but maybe God does not.
Isabella Pearl was born some months later, her middle name a picture of redemption. There was no shotgun wedding, no cheap whispered promises... only questions and patience and pain and hope. It was an uncertain season.
The wedding did eventually come, some more months later, after time apart, after time together, after all their searching. He flies to Boston, they drive to New York, he takes a knee on the Brooklyn Bridge, asks for her forever. On the same trip, he has coffee with a man he respects, a man he's met only once before. Byron talks about his life, this surprising season, the reason he's in town. After an hour together, the man says "i feel like i'm supposed to give you this." The guy hands Byron an envelope, Byron opens it two hours later at the airport. Two thousand dollars. (There are people who invest in stocks and there are people who invest in stories.)
The wedding came when they were ready, when the promise could be true, for love is a choice much more than it's magic. They moved the couch out of the living room and got married with the sliding glass door open, next to sea and under stars on a New Years Eve. i said a few words, about not knowing who i would be without his friendship. i can't remember if i said it but i hope i said that i believe in their story.
Baby Eve is born. Byron takes a job with TWLOHA, first as an assistant, soon as our Director of Operations. He shines. It's hard to tell his life from his work from his dreams. i mean that in the best way. We rent a bungalow. Interns begin to arrive. They watch football at his house. They eat dinner at his house. Baby Eden is born.
i could say other things, that we ended up on different pages for a time, that i am difficult to work for, that i am not the healthiest person. It's hard to navigate the waters of ego, pain and pride. It's hard to have a single honest relationship - easier to say "community" from a stage, easier to be busy than known. We hurt each other. We let each other down.
Some weeks go by. Weeks with silence. We're both offended. He decides it's time to move on. He quits a good job in an economy where people don't quit jobs, where people don't make choices because they believe in them, because they live one time and want to do it well...
He and i are fine now. Time has a way of putting things back where they belong. Love has a way of breaking the silence. There is a bigger story...
And so a new chapter, this family headed north and west today, to make a home in New Orleans. To give themselves to a city as it comes back to life, to raise the girls in a place filled with history and poverty and diversity, to be part of a bigger story. Byron is going back to school. His is that brilliant mind that will never stop asking questions, never stop learning. There is not a lot of money, not a certain plan. Oh and Amanda is pregnant again. ("You're kidding me" and "No way" have been common responses.)
We said goodbye last night. This is the guy who introduced me to my favorite band, the guy who taught me it was okay to ask the questions you aren't supposed to ask, to say the honest thing, to be creative. He suggested that there are things more valuable than money, that maybe people matter most. He talked about the value of a place, a good idea, something true inside a moment or a song...
It crossed my mind to play it cool. i cried about it last week, broke down in front of a room full of people - our entire team and even some strangers - it would be easier not to cry. Besides, everyone else said their goodbyes without crying. i'm 29 years old. i should have my shit together by now. i should be able to say goodbye without crying. i should be able not to need people.
Or maybe this is okay, maybe this is the way that i was made, to feel things, to say things. i don't know. i just know that i started to walk away and then i stopped. And we've been down this road enough, done enough life together, that neither one of us had to say anything.
He told me once that he believed friendship might be life's greatest gift. What an amazing thing to feel known and loved, to feel understood, to walk through life with another person. i remember that it all felt true when he said it and i know that it has stayed with me.
i eventually told him through tears that he will leave a great space, that things won't be the same, that he can't be replaced. He said the words meant a lot, because it's something we can't tell ourselves, what we mean to other people. We hope we do but it's powerful to hear it, significant to hear it.
i forget which one of us said it first but we have agreed and said for years now that there are things in life worth crying about. (We added to this list: things worth screaming about, questions worth asking, trips worth taking...) It was true last night and i suppose it's true in this moment.
i don't have a magical ending except to say that i hope you get to experience this sort of friendship, this gift that Byron talked about, this thing that's like a miracle. i hope you get to say these things and hear these things. i hope you get front row seats for a story as good as Byron and Amanda's. And part of me hopes, for you and for myself, that you get to live that sort of story.
New Orleans is a better place today.
Peace to you.
jamie
PS: New Music from our friends:
Beggars by Thrice (iTunes only)
Spain by Between the Trees
The Rising by David Hodges (iTunes only)
i am currently full-blown obsessed with these two songs:
Along the Wall by Leigh Nash
In Exile by Thrice
There is a family headed west on I-10 right now...
Aug. 11, 2009 at 2:16pm
There is a family headed west on I-10 right now. This is for them...
Part of it was the place, this Canaveral condo, this house so much a home. i remember sitting with Byron in this living room five years ago, me on the couch and him on the chair across from me, me there and filled with questions, always bringing him my pain, because he would listen, because he was brilliant but more because he cared. i remember him listening for an hour, me talking through my tears... Eventually, in a quiet moment, he shared that he had some news of his own. His girlfriend Amanda was pregnant. They had been close to breaking up but now she was pregnant with his child. i remember not knowing what to say but finally asking how he felt and i remember him saying that people make mistakes but maybe God does not.
Isabella Pearl was born some months later, her middle name a picture of redemption. There was no shotgun wedding, no cheap whispered promises... only questions and patience and pain and hope. It was an uncertain season.
The wedding did eventually come, some more months later, after time apart, after time together, after all their searching. He flies to Boston, they drive to New York, he takes a knee on the Brooklyn Bridge, asks for her forever. On the same trip, he has coffee with a man he respects, a man he's met only once before. Byron talks about his life, this surprising season, the reason he's in town. After an hour together, the man says "i feel like i'm supposed to give you this." The guy hands Byron an envelope, Byron opens it two hours later at the airport. Two thousand dollars. (There are people who invest in stocks and there are people who invest in stories.)
The wedding came when they were ready, when the promise could be true, for love is a choice much more than it's magic. They moved the couch out of the living room and got married with the sliding glass door open, next to sea and under stars on a New Years Eve. i said a few words, about not knowing who i would be without his friendship. i can't remember if i said it but i hope i said that i believe in their story.
Baby Eve is born. Byron takes a job with TWLOHA, first as an assistant, soon as our Director of Operations. He shines. It's hard to tell his life from his work from his dreams. i mean that in the best way. We rent a bungalow. Interns begin to arrive. They watch football at his house. They eat dinner at his house. Baby Eden is born.
i could say other things, that we ended up on different pages for a time, that i am difficult to work for, that i am not the healthiest person. It's hard to navigate the waters of ego, pain and pride. It's hard to have a single honest relationship - easier to say "community" from a stage, easier to be busy than known. We hurt each other. We let each other down.
Some weeks go by. Weeks with silence. We're both offended. He decides it's time to move on. He quits a good job in an economy where people don't quit jobs, where people don't make choices because they believe in them, because they live one time and want to do it well...
He and i are fine now. Time has a way of putting things back where they belong. Love has a way of breaking the silence. There is a bigger story...
And so a new chapter, this family headed north and west today, to make a home in New Orleans. To give themselves to a city as it comes back to life, to raise the girls in a place filled with history and poverty and diversity, to be part of a bigger story. Byron is going back to school. His is that brilliant mind that will never stop asking questions, never stop learning. There is not a lot of money, not a certain plan. Oh and Amanda is pregnant again. ("You're kidding me" and "No way" have been common responses.)
We said goodbye last night. This is the guy who introduced me to my favorite band, the guy who taught me it was okay to ask the questions you aren't supposed to ask, to say the honest thing, to be creative. He suggested that there are things more valuable than money, that maybe people matter most. He talked about the value of a place, a good idea, something true inside a moment or a song...
It crossed my mind to play it cool. i cried about it last week, broke down in front of a room full of people - our entire team and even some strangers - it would be easier not to cry. Besides, everyone else said their goodbyes without crying. i'm 29 years old. i should have my shit together by now. i should be able to say goodbye without crying. i should be able not to need people.
Or maybe this is okay, maybe this is the way that i was made, to feel things, to say things. i don't know. i just know that i started to walk away and then i stopped. And we've been down this road enough, done enough life together, that neither one of us had to say anything.
He told me once that he believed friendship might be life's greatest gift. What an amazing thing to feel known and loved, to feel understood, to walk through life with another person. i remember that it all felt true when he said it and i know that it has stayed with me.
i eventually told him through tears that he will leave a great space, that things won't be the same, that he can't be replaced. He said the words meant a lot, because it's something we can't tell ourselves, what we mean to other people. We hope we do but it's powerful to hear it, significant to hear it.
i forget which one of us said it first but we have agreed and said for years now that there are things in life worth crying about. (We added to this list: things worth screaming about, questions worth asking, trips worth taking...) It was true last night and i suppose it's true in this moment.
i don't have a magical ending except to say that i hope you get to experience this sort of friendship, this gift that Byron talked about, this thing that's like a miracle. i hope you get to say these things and hear these things. i hope you get front row seats for a story as good as Byron and Amanda's. And part of me hopes, for you and for myself, that you get to live that sort of story.
New Orleans is a better place today.
Peace to you.
jamie
PS: New Music from our friends:
Beggars by Thrice (iTunes only)
Spain by Between the Trees
The Rising by David Hodges (iTunes only)
i am currently full-blown obsessed with these two songs:
Along the Wall by Leigh Nash
In Exile by Thrice
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Word Vomit: What is Church
This one deals with a book, What is Church?, there are probably some spoilers from the book in here, but I try to leave as much to the author as I can. Also, the language here in is rougher than usual, but I am running on less sleep, and therefore less filter. Enjoy:
OK, well, it has been too long…for me at least. I hope maybe you feel the same way. I am sitting here like an idiot…I have a house full of sleeping women, finally (no small feat with a 1 week old, 3 year old, and recently pregnant wife). But I had to go and read a few more pages of my book before bed, and now I cannot sleep, even though I know I desperately need it.
Reading What is Church? by Mike Bishop, kinda a random connection in that I go to church with his parents, but we have never met. I have heard his dad talk about his blog, but I just waved it off, his parents gave my wife this book and she enjoyed it and told me I HAD to read it ASAP. Because she was kind enough to not read me too much of it while she was reading it, I decided I should read it and get it out of the way. It is short and much less embarrassing to take to the hospital for a few nights than the next book on MY list, Kosher Adultery (think that would have gotten a few awkward looks from people there since I was there for the birth of my second child, this still makes me laugh when I think about it). I have been reading along, and it is a great read, something that has affirmed many of my thoughts and ideas about church and how we do things so poorly. Chapters 1-5 are good, like we think alike (and really how my wife thinks about things). Carey has been upset like I don’t get it or don’t think it is good or don’t agree or just don’t want to talk about it. It is really that it is the conversations we have been having for a while now, and it is a story of his journey living through some of the things we have talked about. Nothing extraordinary and since I have never needed people to back up my position on something (at least people I have never met).
But then I got to the new, the place where he started to take my ideas further, he completed my sentences, thoughts, and connected some new dots for me. For you who have become accustomed to my writing, this is where I tend to state, “He started kicking my ass!!!!!” This is a very positive thing…I love it…this is where my growth happens…this is where I thrive…this is awesome!
This all happened here in CH 6, Apprentices of Jesus. He talks about church as a college class, where the professor is the pastor and the students are the congregation. What I loved was this concept of going to class to get fed, but our tests are individual and not necessarily covering what we have been taught. So we go to more classes or office hours or read the recommended readings not just the required, or we lose faith in the class itself…what is the point if the tests aren’t limited to the teaching? Or that the test is from a graduate level course and we are only in a first year course? This was mind blowing to me (please read this for yourself, he shares it with much more insight and length). Being a school teacher, I got this picture so clearly. What is the point of the lessons if they are not related to the tests? And then what does that mean? What do we do with that? What is Church? (Sounds like a good title for a book).
As is pretty normal for me, I just kept right on reading instead of letting this epiphany sink in completely. Within a few pages, I came to a section talking about A.A. and how it could be a great model for churches. This is something close to my heart, hence the title of this blog. I have never had any relationship with A.A….I have never been to a meeting…I have never known of anyone who has been through the program (though I am sure I know people who have been, it has never been a topic of discussion so their attendance has been just that, anonymous)…I have never had a alcoholic family member or friend whose life was in need of this program…but I have always had a draw to this group…this concept of community…this idea of hope…this honesty…this beauty of redemption…this pain and hope being shared together in love and equality…this understanding that we are all equal in that we are screw ups, each in their own unique way. It is the same things that have drawn me to my favorite organizations I do partake in, TWLOHA and PostSecret.
In this segment, Mike offers that maybe our churches should be organized more like an A.A. meeting. He also shared the 12 common traditions of A.A. They are so powerful in their simplicity and purpose. They were created so that no one could take credit or “heroship” for what was being achieved through this organization locally and on a broader scale. It was to keep the organization in check, to keep them on their message of helping people defeat their addiction to alcohol. How did the church miss this step? How do we have so many heroes and gurus and leaders and know-it-alls and founders and blah blah blahs and la-di-freakin-da’s? How do we have so many people point the way to Him is through them? Again how can the world get it so right and we get so absolutely fucked up? Don’t get me wrong, you can see from this blog I read my “favorites” and I follow certain people (writers especially) that I cannot wait to read again or hear their new thoughts. But we have to be careful to not think or more likely ACT like that person has it all together or to help them bring glory to themselves. We can use their thoughts and ideas and sometimes even their example to help us grow, but we must be ever aware that they are not the answer, Jesus is the answer, and if they ever change that thought through word or deed, we need to let them go. It is so much bigger than a person. It is a person, who was also God.
I am not going to repeat the 12 traditions here for brevity and so I do not steal too much more of Mr. Bishop’s idea (READ IT YOURSELF!!!!!). But this does bring me to meld these two thoughts together, what is the point of “church” if the tests aren’t over what we have already covered? Secondly, can it all be covered even in a lifetime or are we always going to be relegated to some cliffs notes version? And is the answer to the first part that it is about the community and the relationships, then why are we always subjected to some boring ass, I have heard this before, watered down, spun or twisted version of some historical shit shoved down my throat, interspersed by the rare exception? Why aren’t we effectively fostering relationships, enabling conversations, consistently letting people tell their stories and their history, or just share their most recent thoughts, or hopes, or dreams? Why do went a family terribly ends up in divorce are we seen as siding with one or the other? Why can’t we love both together or apart? How is it not more about the people?
I have said it before, but I feel the need to repeat myself here…I AM NOT ANTI-CHURCH…but I do believe that we have screwed up so much in church I understand why others, Christian or non-Christian, are turned away in droves. If the church is going to survive in reality or in relevance, we must start to right this ship. We must learn our lessons, we must find that which is important, and we must get it together. We must get back to the church that God intended us to be.
I am not claiming to know exactly what that is, but I know I come alive in community, I come alive in relationships, I come alive in hearing other people’s stories, I come alive in eating together and drinking together and smoking cigars together and hanging together and watching movies together and laughing together and crying together and opening the word together and riding together and in arguing together and being silent together. I come alive in firing text messages back and forth or reading the same article or knowing my friend made it somewhere safely or knowing that I am being thought about or prayed over or that I have someone to call if/when I screw up or hearing my friend’s heart in an email or baring my soul to my four friends in a blog or sharing a book. I come alive with these people that do not judge me for my occasionally crude language or comments or unnecessary thoughts or weird takes on things, I come alive with them because I KNOW they love me for many of those things, and while they challenge me to improve, they do not require it for their love. And these are things that are not happening or being fostered in church, they are typically being done with people from my church, but we have gone so far as to not-so-jokingly call ourselves the underground so that people at church don’t find out about us and our love of community and relationship. Now that was word vomit if I have ever seen it. And only 2 hours of possibly great sleep wasted. If you are reading this, I love you…I don’t say it enough, but you mean the world to me, you keep me sane (or at least my version of it). If you just happened upon this blog for the first time and you have read all of this crap, I love you too. Just to read it all means you get me in some way, and that is pretty darn cool.
OK, well, it has been too long…for me at least. I hope maybe you feel the same way. I am sitting here like an idiot…I have a house full of sleeping women, finally (no small feat with a 1 week old, 3 year old, and recently pregnant wife). But I had to go and read a few more pages of my book before bed, and now I cannot sleep, even though I know I desperately need it.
Reading What is Church? by Mike Bishop, kinda a random connection in that I go to church with his parents, but we have never met. I have heard his dad talk about his blog, but I just waved it off, his parents gave my wife this book and she enjoyed it and told me I HAD to read it ASAP. Because she was kind enough to not read me too much of it while she was reading it, I decided I should read it and get it out of the way. It is short and much less embarrassing to take to the hospital for a few nights than the next book on MY list, Kosher Adultery (think that would have gotten a few awkward looks from people there since I was there for the birth of my second child, this still makes me laugh when I think about it). I have been reading along, and it is a great read, something that has affirmed many of my thoughts and ideas about church and how we do things so poorly. Chapters 1-5 are good, like we think alike (and really how my wife thinks about things). Carey has been upset like I don’t get it or don’t think it is good or don’t agree or just don’t want to talk about it. It is really that it is the conversations we have been having for a while now, and it is a story of his journey living through some of the things we have talked about. Nothing extraordinary and since I have never needed people to back up my position on something (at least people I have never met).
But then I got to the new, the place where he started to take my ideas further, he completed my sentences, thoughts, and connected some new dots for me. For you who have become accustomed to my writing, this is where I tend to state, “He started kicking my ass!!!!!” This is a very positive thing…I love it…this is where my growth happens…this is where I thrive…this is awesome!
This all happened here in CH 6, Apprentices of Jesus. He talks about church as a college class, where the professor is the pastor and the students are the congregation. What I loved was this concept of going to class to get fed, but our tests are individual and not necessarily covering what we have been taught. So we go to more classes or office hours or read the recommended readings not just the required, or we lose faith in the class itself…what is the point if the tests aren’t limited to the teaching? Or that the test is from a graduate level course and we are only in a first year course? This was mind blowing to me (please read this for yourself, he shares it with much more insight and length). Being a school teacher, I got this picture so clearly. What is the point of the lessons if they are not related to the tests? And then what does that mean? What do we do with that? What is Church? (Sounds like a good title for a book).
As is pretty normal for me, I just kept right on reading instead of letting this epiphany sink in completely. Within a few pages, I came to a section talking about A.A. and how it could be a great model for churches. This is something close to my heart, hence the title of this blog. I have never had any relationship with A.A….I have never been to a meeting…I have never known of anyone who has been through the program (though I am sure I know people who have been, it has never been a topic of discussion so their attendance has been just that, anonymous)…I have never had a alcoholic family member or friend whose life was in need of this program…but I have always had a draw to this group…this concept of community…this idea of hope…this honesty…this beauty of redemption…this pain and hope being shared together in love and equality…this understanding that we are all equal in that we are screw ups, each in their own unique way. It is the same things that have drawn me to my favorite organizations I do partake in, TWLOHA and PostSecret.
In this segment, Mike offers that maybe our churches should be organized more like an A.A. meeting. He also shared the 12 common traditions of A.A. They are so powerful in their simplicity and purpose. They were created so that no one could take credit or “heroship” for what was being achieved through this organization locally and on a broader scale. It was to keep the organization in check, to keep them on their message of helping people defeat their addiction to alcohol. How did the church miss this step? How do we have so many heroes and gurus and leaders and know-it-alls and founders and blah blah blahs and la-di-freakin-da’s? How do we have so many people point the way to Him is through them? Again how can the world get it so right and we get so absolutely fucked up? Don’t get me wrong, you can see from this blog I read my “favorites” and I follow certain people (writers especially) that I cannot wait to read again or hear their new thoughts. But we have to be careful to not think or more likely ACT like that person has it all together or to help them bring glory to themselves. We can use their thoughts and ideas and sometimes even their example to help us grow, but we must be ever aware that they are not the answer, Jesus is the answer, and if they ever change that thought through word or deed, we need to let them go. It is so much bigger than a person. It is a person, who was also God.
I am not going to repeat the 12 traditions here for brevity and so I do not steal too much more of Mr. Bishop’s idea (READ IT YOURSELF!!!!!). But this does bring me to meld these two thoughts together, what is the point of “church” if the tests aren’t over what we have already covered? Secondly, can it all be covered even in a lifetime or are we always going to be relegated to some cliffs notes version? And is the answer to the first part that it is about the community and the relationships, then why are we always subjected to some boring ass, I have heard this before, watered down, spun or twisted version of some historical shit shoved down my throat, interspersed by the rare exception? Why aren’t we effectively fostering relationships, enabling conversations, consistently letting people tell their stories and their history, or just share their most recent thoughts, or hopes, or dreams? Why do went a family terribly ends up in divorce are we seen as siding with one or the other? Why can’t we love both together or apart? How is it not more about the people?
I have said it before, but I feel the need to repeat myself here…I AM NOT ANTI-CHURCH…but I do believe that we have screwed up so much in church I understand why others, Christian or non-Christian, are turned away in droves. If the church is going to survive in reality or in relevance, we must start to right this ship. We must learn our lessons, we must find that which is important, and we must get it together. We must get back to the church that God intended us to be.
I am not claiming to know exactly what that is, but I know I come alive in community, I come alive in relationships, I come alive in hearing other people’s stories, I come alive in eating together and drinking together and smoking cigars together and hanging together and watching movies together and laughing together and crying together and opening the word together and riding together and in arguing together and being silent together. I come alive in firing text messages back and forth or reading the same article or knowing my friend made it somewhere safely or knowing that I am being thought about or prayed over or that I have someone to call if/when I screw up or hearing my friend’s heart in an email or baring my soul to my four friends in a blog or sharing a book. I come alive with these people that do not judge me for my occasionally crude language or comments or unnecessary thoughts or weird takes on things, I come alive with them because I KNOW they love me for many of those things, and while they challenge me to improve, they do not require it for their love. And these are things that are not happening or being fostered in church, they are typically being done with people from my church, but we have gone so far as to not-so-jokingly call ourselves the underground so that people at church don’t find out about us and our love of community and relationship. Now that was word vomit if I have ever seen it. And only 2 hours of possibly great sleep wasted. If you are reading this, I love you…I don’t say it enough, but you mean the world to me, you keep me sane (or at least my version of it). If you just happened upon this blog for the first time and you have read all of this crap, I love you too. Just to read it all means you get me in some way, and that is pretty darn cool.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Lots of reading lately...
Figured I would share what I could. Most have been linked to me through Twitter.
Blog on Failure: (From Carey)
http://blog.lumunos.org/
Bono Op-Ed piece about renewing your SOUL:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/19/opinion/19bono.html?_r=4
Good Music is Healthy!!!!!
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/11/music.heart/index.html
Being Chronically Discontent
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/features-reviews/god/16896-i-cant-get-no-satisfaction
I hope you enjoy...maybe with some conversation to come...
Blog on Failure: (From Carey)
http://blog.lumunos.org/
Bono Op-Ed piece about renewing your SOUL:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/19/opinion/19bono.html?_r=4
Good Music is Healthy!!!!!
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/05/11/music.heart/index.html
Being Chronically Discontent
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/features-reviews/god/16896-i-cant-get-no-satisfaction
I hope you enjoy...maybe with some conversation to come...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
From Relevant Online
This is an article from Relevant's content for churches called Neue (NEW). I just thought it was a really good article and interesting to think about. ENJOY
How to Make Crack Cocaine, Bombs, and Commit Suicide
You might not like what’s out there, but the Internet is full of very compelling content that is competing for the hearts and minds of the very people you are trying to reach. A quick Google search instantly brings up an illustrated, step-by-step process to melt cocaine into crack with tips on when and where and how to smoke it with expectations on how you’ll feel before, during and after the process. Yeah … I’m serious.
We could complain all day long about how terrible this is and wonder aloud why this type of content is even legal. You could point the finger at President Obama for doing nothing, Al Gore for even creating the Internet in the first place, or Google for so effectively finding just what people are looking for, but that web page and the millions like it that are leading people away from God are not going away. Period. In fact, more pages like it and worse are being created while you read these words.
Elementary school kids are learning how to hang themselves with sheets and extension cords in the privacy of their bedrooms. Husbands and wives are learning how to have an affair and not get caught. College students are learning the latest cheating methods in order to pass their exams.
This content is loud. It’s clear. It’s simple. It’s instructive. And it’s meeting a very real demand that’s out there. IGNORing it is IGNORant and we, as leaders of this and future generations, have two ways we can respond. It’s all about supply and demand.
1. We can supply superior, compelling Internet content that purposefully competes against the dangerous and destructive content that is already out there. Our story is better. Our solutions last longer. Our God is stronger. In essence, we can see this action is a contemporary way of feeding the hungry.
If our mission is to find hurts and heal them, we’re going to have to be present where hurting people live online, and it’s not your wonderful church website.
When an 11-year-old boy searches the ‘net for how to commit suicide, our compelling content has to come up first (and second and third and fourth, for that matter) in the search engine. It has to arrest his attention and provide him with alternatives.
When an addict wants instructions for a new fix, or a husband wants some pointers for a secret affair, or a student wants to find a YouTube video to help them cut corners, our content has to be there in the mix.
2. While competing with the supply of compelling but destructive content is necessary, nothing works better than ruining the demand for it in the first place. This mission won’t be easy and will require some serious strategic planning and vision-mapping if we are to effectively lessen or eliminate the demand for poison on the Internet, but not trying at all shouldn’t be an option.
In essence, this step is not feeding the hungry, but communicating to the hungry that what they are thirsting or hungering after is nothing compared to God. Relaying to people that they need something that they may not know they need is not an easy task, but it’s what the Church is called to do.
Who do you envision as your competitors in the creation and promotion of compelling online content? Other ministry leaders? Professional gurus like Guy Kawasaki or Seth Godin? @Oprah? If so, think again!
We are in a real war for the hearts and minds of the people God has called us to reach and serve and it’s time for us to act like it! Be creative! Be courageous! Be the hands and feet of our God online!
Thoughts?
How to Make Crack Cocaine, Bombs, and Commit Suicide
You might not like what’s out there, but the Internet is full of very compelling content that is competing for the hearts and minds of the very people you are trying to reach. A quick Google search instantly brings up an illustrated, step-by-step process to melt cocaine into crack with tips on when and where and how to smoke it with expectations on how you’ll feel before, during and after the process. Yeah … I’m serious.
We could complain all day long about how terrible this is and wonder aloud why this type of content is even legal. You could point the finger at President Obama for doing nothing, Al Gore for even creating the Internet in the first place, or Google for so effectively finding just what people are looking for, but that web page and the millions like it that are leading people away from God are not going away. Period. In fact, more pages like it and worse are being created while you read these words.
Elementary school kids are learning how to hang themselves with sheets and extension cords in the privacy of their bedrooms. Husbands and wives are learning how to have an affair and not get caught. College students are learning the latest cheating methods in order to pass their exams.
This content is loud. It’s clear. It’s simple. It’s instructive. And it’s meeting a very real demand that’s out there. IGNORing it is IGNORant and we, as leaders of this and future generations, have two ways we can respond. It’s all about supply and demand.
1. We can supply superior, compelling Internet content that purposefully competes against the dangerous and destructive content that is already out there. Our story is better. Our solutions last longer. Our God is stronger. In essence, we can see this action is a contemporary way of feeding the hungry.
If our mission is to find hurts and heal them, we’re going to have to be present where hurting people live online, and it’s not your wonderful church website.
When an 11-year-old boy searches the ‘net for how to commit suicide, our compelling content has to come up first (and second and third and fourth, for that matter) in the search engine. It has to arrest his attention and provide him with alternatives.
When an addict wants instructions for a new fix, or a husband wants some pointers for a secret affair, or a student wants to find a YouTube video to help them cut corners, our content has to be there in the mix.
2. While competing with the supply of compelling but destructive content is necessary, nothing works better than ruining the demand for it in the first place. This mission won’t be easy and will require some serious strategic planning and vision-mapping if we are to effectively lessen or eliminate the demand for poison on the Internet, but not trying at all shouldn’t be an option.
In essence, this step is not feeding the hungry, but communicating to the hungry that what they are thirsting or hungering after is nothing compared to God. Relaying to people that they need something that they may not know they need is not an easy task, but it’s what the Church is called to do.
Who do you envision as your competitors in the creation and promotion of compelling online content? Other ministry leaders? Professional gurus like Guy Kawasaki or Seth Godin? @Oprah? If so, think again!
We are in a real war for the hearts and minds of the people God has called us to reach and serve and it’s time for us to act like it! Be creative! Be courageous! Be the hands and feet of our God online!
Thoughts?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
The Means to an End
This is the script that I spoke from on Sunday in church about the closing of the prayer room. It really was just a blog post I got to share with more than 4 people. I guess that is good. Enjoy:
This prayer room brought us into a focus of prayer. I think it brought many people back to prayer that had somewhat lost their way. I know that was the case for me. It gave me a place to get away from everything else in my life and rest with the Lord. I know I slept less this month than anytime since college. But I was usually refreshed and ready to face my day, even after a night with no sleep. Prayer was a means to an end. It was a path I had forgotten, one that I had probably at times scoffed at, but it brought me to my end. It brought me closer to my Lord and Savior. It brought me home.
The 24-7 Prayer Movement has based itself on a Rule. This rule governs their set-up in their Boiler Rooms (consistent 24-7 prayer rooms). The Rule has layers. The inner-most layer is that their purpose is to love God and love their neighbors. Upward and Outward. The next layer is their principles: Authentic to Christ, Relational to People, Missional to the world.
The final layer is the practices that complete the inner areas. These are the means by which they achieve their purpose. To be Authentic to Christ, they use prayer and creativity. This was where our prayer room shined. You can see in the art and the graffiti, and the journals, and I believe, in the hearts of our people, that prayer and creativity were blooming in that little room. But what I want to share with you today is the other 4 practices that are also vital to our growth. For the 24-7 movement, they are stated as Mercy, Hospitality, Learning, and Mission. To simplify, they are GO and DO!
Now this is not saying that we need to stop praying, but what I have come to understand is, if all you do is pray, you will hit a wall, you will find yourself not getting any closer to God. At the same time, if all you are doing is serving, you will get your eyes off of God and you will find yourself doing things for the wrong reasons, or burning out and not doing them at all. There must be a balance, and it will be different for everyone. In fact your balance may shift in your lifetime. But to continue to grow in Christ, it takes more than one path. It takes a multi-pronged approach.
This congregation is a giving one. We see that in the Mortgage Burning Celebration we will be having soon. We see that in our support of Missionaries and Orphanages around the globe as well as local needs as LAM. But this is not necessarily being missional. Missional is really you GOING. I am not suggesting that we stop supporting mission work, and I am not suggesting that we all get our passports and shots and run off to Africa. But I am suggesting that the idea of GO and DO takes getting your nails dirty, not just your checkbooks out.
The Bible uses the word GO 1,514 times. 1,514! Including Jesus’ last words to the disciples
Matthew 28:18-20 (The Message): "Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."
We are commanded to go. Ever heard of a Wild Goose Chase? This was a concept created by the ancient Celts. They called the Holy Spirit the Wild Goose. So a Wild Goose Chase was a journey one was sent out upon in order to get closer to the Holy Spirit and in turn closer to God. Sometimes our Wild Goose Chases are becoming the answer to our own prayers. Sometimes God lays things on our hearts and then, we pray over it, and we get this sinking suspicion that we are to do something about it. Not just pray, not just send money in support, but to GO and DO.
And this is the scary thing, sometimes that is the only plan you get. Not many of us jump at those things. We like the approach of sending something, we love the fact that we can be ever fervent in our prayers. But sometimes we are called to be more. We are not just called to pray over poverty in our community, we are to create outreach to let them know they are loved by God. (That is what I believe this Angel Food Ministries thing can be). We are to see people making a real effort to clean up their lives and their community and lend a helping hand. Sometimes we see them doing nothing at all to help themselves, we see them digging themselves deeper and deeper into their sins, and God calls us to reach out and be His mercy. We are not to be judgment (we are to have judgment) but God is the great judge. We are to be mercy, we are to be loving and kind and compassionate. And if it is used against us, we are not to be fools, but we should not withhold mercy. We should work to not be calloused over by the wickedness in the world, because even those who are abusing our mercy and seeing mercy from Christ. They are experiencing Him, and that is worth a few times of facing injustice in return.
I have talked a lot about the means, but I have yet to state the End. What are we aiming for? What is success in this adventure? To get ever closer to God. This is the END of our journey. The end that our means are getting us to. We are ever trying to get closer and closer to God. We want to be nearer to Him. Now many of us like to use this “nearness” as a means itself. That our being nearer to God will help us get what we want. But if that is the mindset, you are not making your relationship with God your focus, you are making yourself the focus. If we as a church are going to grow, it is going to be in searching and trusting in Christ and in the leaders He has established here in our church, that we are working for that one goal. That nearness. It is not an agenda to do his thing or her thing or even to balance his things and her things to not upset anyone. It is about doing God’s thing. And doing it WHOLEHEARTEDLY. In complete trust and faith, that it will get us to His presence. So this is my challenge to you today use the means of GO and DO to help get us to the End we so desire.
This prayer room brought us into a focus of prayer. I think it brought many people back to prayer that had somewhat lost their way. I know that was the case for me. It gave me a place to get away from everything else in my life and rest with the Lord. I know I slept less this month than anytime since college. But I was usually refreshed and ready to face my day, even after a night with no sleep. Prayer was a means to an end. It was a path I had forgotten, one that I had probably at times scoffed at, but it brought me to my end. It brought me closer to my Lord and Savior. It brought me home.
The 24-7 Prayer Movement has based itself on a Rule. This rule governs their set-up in their Boiler Rooms (consistent 24-7 prayer rooms). The Rule has layers. The inner-most layer is that their purpose is to love God and love their neighbors. Upward and Outward. The next layer is their principles: Authentic to Christ, Relational to People, Missional to the world.
The final layer is the practices that complete the inner areas. These are the means by which they achieve their purpose. To be Authentic to Christ, they use prayer and creativity. This was where our prayer room shined. You can see in the art and the graffiti, and the journals, and I believe, in the hearts of our people, that prayer and creativity were blooming in that little room. But what I want to share with you today is the other 4 practices that are also vital to our growth. For the 24-7 movement, they are stated as Mercy, Hospitality, Learning, and Mission. To simplify, they are GO and DO!
Now this is not saying that we need to stop praying, but what I have come to understand is, if all you do is pray, you will hit a wall, you will find yourself not getting any closer to God. At the same time, if all you are doing is serving, you will get your eyes off of God and you will find yourself doing things for the wrong reasons, or burning out and not doing them at all. There must be a balance, and it will be different for everyone. In fact your balance may shift in your lifetime. But to continue to grow in Christ, it takes more than one path. It takes a multi-pronged approach.
This congregation is a giving one. We see that in the Mortgage Burning Celebration we will be having soon. We see that in our support of Missionaries and Orphanages around the globe as well as local needs as LAM. But this is not necessarily being missional. Missional is really you GOING. I am not suggesting that we stop supporting mission work, and I am not suggesting that we all get our passports and shots and run off to Africa. But I am suggesting that the idea of GO and DO takes getting your nails dirty, not just your checkbooks out.
The Bible uses the word GO 1,514 times. 1,514! Including Jesus’ last words to the disciples
Matthew 28:18-20 (The Message): "Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: "God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."
We are commanded to go. Ever heard of a Wild Goose Chase? This was a concept created by the ancient Celts. They called the Holy Spirit the Wild Goose. So a Wild Goose Chase was a journey one was sent out upon in order to get closer to the Holy Spirit and in turn closer to God. Sometimes our Wild Goose Chases are becoming the answer to our own prayers. Sometimes God lays things on our hearts and then, we pray over it, and we get this sinking suspicion that we are to do something about it. Not just pray, not just send money in support, but to GO and DO.
And this is the scary thing, sometimes that is the only plan you get. Not many of us jump at those things. We like the approach of sending something, we love the fact that we can be ever fervent in our prayers. But sometimes we are called to be more. We are not just called to pray over poverty in our community, we are to create outreach to let them know they are loved by God. (That is what I believe this Angel Food Ministries thing can be). We are to see people making a real effort to clean up their lives and their community and lend a helping hand. Sometimes we see them doing nothing at all to help themselves, we see them digging themselves deeper and deeper into their sins, and God calls us to reach out and be His mercy. We are not to be judgment (we are to have judgment) but God is the great judge. We are to be mercy, we are to be loving and kind and compassionate. And if it is used against us, we are not to be fools, but we should not withhold mercy. We should work to not be calloused over by the wickedness in the world, because even those who are abusing our mercy and seeing mercy from Christ. They are experiencing Him, and that is worth a few times of facing injustice in return.
I have talked a lot about the means, but I have yet to state the End. What are we aiming for? What is success in this adventure? To get ever closer to God. This is the END of our journey. The end that our means are getting us to. We are ever trying to get closer and closer to God. We want to be nearer to Him. Now many of us like to use this “nearness” as a means itself. That our being nearer to God will help us get what we want. But if that is the mindset, you are not making your relationship with God your focus, you are making yourself the focus. If we as a church are going to grow, it is going to be in searching and trusting in Christ and in the leaders He has established here in our church, that we are working for that one goal. That nearness. It is not an agenda to do his thing or her thing or even to balance his things and her things to not upset anyone. It is about doing God’s thing. And doing it WHOLEHEARTEDLY. In complete trust and faith, that it will get us to His presence. So this is my challenge to you today use the means of GO and DO to help get us to the End we so desire.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
SALVATION IS HERE
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
--Switchfoot (Dare You to Move)
I was never the boy who thought girls had cooties…I always liked them. I had a “girlfriend” since 1st grade (Tonya was the first). Growing up, I never was without one for long. I grew up in church and Christian school, but girls were my value, my worth, my addiction. It wasn’t bad parenting, it was just the way I was “wired,” I guess. I am not trying to start a debate on internal vs. external reasons for things, nor am I saying that God made a mistake with me, but I honestly believe that I came with this wiring and it is part of my gifts, but it is a part that is easy to screw up in very major ways.
Looking back now, when I was growing up I was told over and over and over again the dangers of alcohol and drugs and I kept myself pure from them, not drinking until I was of age. But I had not had those same lessons about sexual purity ingrained in me over and over again from a young age. And sadly, it is easy to screw up at a young age. I had a girlfriend all the way to my senior year of high school. I took that year “off” from girls to “find” myself. I do think I grew a lot that year. It was that year I fell in love with my wife, but it was also the beginning of a time where my problems festered and grabbed major roots.
But this goes much further back than Senior year…I saw my first Playboy at a friend’s grandfather’s house around the age of 10. I remember being drawn to it…wanting to see what the big deal was…being utterly amazed at what I found. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know why it was wrong. It was beautiful…it was like art…it was a woman…and what could be wrong with that. My friend was scared and didn’t really look, but I drank it in…I gulped my first sips of that sweet poison, and I have never forgotten it. It was not immediate, I am sure of that, but over time my mind kept remembering and was drawing me back for a repeat performance. The next years of this story all blur together from the same basic images burned into my mind constantly. I found any way possible to get my fix of naked women; I don’t believe I ever acted out in any rude or disgusting or vulgar way to the women in my life, but I was in constant search of my next fix.
The images of magazines, movies, TV, then later, all of a sudden, this concept of the internet was in my home. And it was all day every day available pornography, and all you had to do was click and say you were 18, no real check, just enter at will with one little “white lie.” I would overhear in the locker room the easiest and best ways to find it online and the sites to see, then when I got a chance I would go. I never shared those things, because then people would know what I was doing; and in my world, I was better than that, so silence was golden. I was addicted. I would sneak into other parts of the house after I was supposed to be asleep and watch dirty movies on HBO, or Cinemax, or Showtime. Sometimes I stayed awake for 3-4 hours just to get my rush. And when I would be going to sleep, I would be dreaming and fantasizing of me in those roles with the women I had seen. I bought my first video at 16; I was so nervous I would get carded. I practiced my response to that question numerous times before daring to go up to the counter. I was also so nervous, I looked at the video titles from the next aisle over in the store, so no one would know what I was doing. All of this led to me purchasing a 20 year old movie involving David Hasselhoff (even in this serious story, take the time to really think about that and chuckle). On the rare occasion I would go to a bookstore, I would go to the photography section and find photobooks of nude “art” so I could get my fix there as well. I would pull the swimsuit issue from the trash (my mom’s poison control) and look. I was completely desperate for my stimulus. There was a time when I couldn’t get to sleep without masturbating, I would lie awake for an hour and afterwards be asleep in 5 minutes. My mind was overrun with images and desires. I was utterly enamored with the female form. God is good and with women he was great. It was almost like the little devil and angel on my shoulder conversing; my mind would say “this is wrong,” then something would say “it is honoring the beautiful work of our magnificent creator.” (That is the most twisted Sunday School answer I think anyone has ever come up with)
All of these encounters affected my real relationships with girlfriends. I would desire for them to do those things with me. Not go “all the way,” but just make me felt like I felt when I was seeing those things on the screen. I wasn’t pushy or gross (I don’t believe I was), but my mind had turned what I had seen into the expectation of intimacy. Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to abstain from intercourse, but more damage was done than I care to admit.
In college, I remained physically pure with real women, but inside I was defiling my mind. I was around other guys to whom this was the norm and there were no issues in their mind (at least none I knew of). On the exterior I was much better than them, I respected women. But my insides were rotting from swirling through this addiction to this cesspool of smut. At some point though, I made a decision to quit. I don’t remember the exact time or place, but it was a conscious choice to do what was right. I was getting ready to get married, and I was getting myself back into the Word and my little angel on my shoulder finally won the battle he had been fighting for years. And it worked, I broke my addiction free and clean. No real help necessary, not really admitting anything to anyone, just me and God…then…
After being married for a little while, I was talking to my “best-friend” on the phone and he was living with another buddy of ours from high school. They had been talking about things from high school and the buddy mentioned about how on a missions trip in high school I had brought up my porn battles in a “debriefing” session with all the people in the room (male, female, leaders, my parents). I mentioned that was something the Lord had really laid upon my heart that I needed to come to grips with. On the phone, I could hear them both laughing and remembering how they had choked back chuckles when it had happened. Then replaying it over and over about who all was in the room and people’s faces. I remember thinking that I had opened my heart about something that was killing me on the inside, and it was a joke…I was a joke…obviously this must not be such a big deal…or being right and pure is a joke.
Immediately, like that night, I was back online…dying. Married…Christian… clean and sober for years…and one joke did me in. I knew it was wrong, but it was “normal”…something guys do…and to be a real man, I would do it too. No more “Sunday school” reasoning, this was about being a man.
All of a sudden I was back in my addiction…up to my neck…the one that “Christians” don’t deal with and DEFINITELY don’t talk about…and no friends to talk it out with. So I drank away my pain with my drug of choice, naked women. I started with my old sites, but in just a few years, the internet had expanded to no end. The sites you could share music with, could now be used for so much more. And then I found my biggest draw yet: stories. Letting my mind, that I had trained for years to have these visions, take off and run with whatever story I read. And this was from a guy who despised to read books. (On a positive, this experience taught me the joy of reading, and allowing the mind to run wild with ideas, just better content)
The reality was, I was dying to get caught, I was dying for someone to back up that little angel that I was no longer listening to. Someone to tell me this was WRONG, because I couldn’t believe it myself. I needed to be shaken or slapped or anything to get me back to thinking straight. I effected my life…and my marriage…I couldn’t treat my wife like I should…I couldn’t get to sleep without seeing naked women.
Then it finally happened. Innocently enough, my wife was looking for something she had seen online the day before and opened the history of our web browser. There was her worst nightmare laid out before her eyes in alarming detail, and she was married to it and carrying it’s child. We got counseling, I found a great friend I could talk to about things…things were great. Then the Lord asked us to move back home to Keystone…to help our struggling church…with a struggling staff that was all family. So when the Lord and family (with first time grandparents) call you home, you go. But your friends don’t move with you. And when you only have one, and he doesn’t come too…and your only “friend” here is the one who sent you back into your darkest places in the recent past…what is to happen, and why would God call us into that? The closest men in my life for over two years have been my father (the pastor) and my father-in-law; neither are ideal candidates for discussions about this type of struggle. And any acquaintances or friends that are new…it’s not easy to catch them up…not like you drop it into your introduction to each other…or over dinner…or really ANYWHERE. It’s not like a conversation naturally leads to that…and in all honesty it’s not like I am dying to share these stories of my greatness and nobility, honor and valor…I am talking about my nasty, vile, disgusting, secrets…that I am in many ways happy to keep secret…to use my clean start with new people. And from the outside, no one is going to steer me there as if I need it. From the outside I look silky smooth…I am the pastor’s son who is constantly helping at the church; I am married to the only woman I have ever slept with, and I am madly in love with her; I am a dad to an adorable little girl. Those things wouldn’t be in my past. But there they are.
But over these nearly three years…no friends…work…child…parents…church struggles…annoying people…faith challenges…building a house…another child…marriage…macho attitude…how it will reflect on my family…helping others…sponsoring clubs…wearing myself out…and no friends I feel I can rest upon, that I can let my guard down with, I have been pulled ever closer and closer to that deep end. I have stared my demons in the eyes…I have looked for what is on late night TV…I have been tempted to click on the dirty emails…I have typed my old internet haunts into the address bar…but each time, I have struggled to keep from drowning. My lungs have taken on water, I am coughing and hacking and churning to stay afloat…at times the waves calm, and it becomes easier for a while, but the root issues have to be addressed.
I have to find a place to pour my passions so that they will not be able to be sucked from my being through porn. And I need a friend to be able to open up to. This blog is becoming that, I get to shit out on a page for others to read, the contents of my heart. But the reality is that I can hide from this screen the lies and the pain and sorrow and addiction if I choose to. And my passion needs to be something to replace those evil desires in my being. I need something(s) that affects my spirit the same way, except for Good and not Evil…I need my redemption story…I need my purpose for this pain…I need my community of hope…I need my rescue line…I need my continual salvation…I need my truth…I need my salvation, and I need it daily…and it is continually provided…how cool is that?
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
--Switchfoot (Dare You to Move)
I was never the boy who thought girls had cooties…I always liked them. I had a “girlfriend” since 1st grade (Tonya was the first). Growing up, I never was without one for long. I grew up in church and Christian school, but girls were my value, my worth, my addiction. It wasn’t bad parenting, it was just the way I was “wired,” I guess. I am not trying to start a debate on internal vs. external reasons for things, nor am I saying that God made a mistake with me, but I honestly believe that I came with this wiring and it is part of my gifts, but it is a part that is easy to screw up in very major ways.
Looking back now, when I was growing up I was told over and over and over again the dangers of alcohol and drugs and I kept myself pure from them, not drinking until I was of age. But I had not had those same lessons about sexual purity ingrained in me over and over again from a young age. And sadly, it is easy to screw up at a young age. I had a girlfriend all the way to my senior year of high school. I took that year “off” from girls to “find” myself. I do think I grew a lot that year. It was that year I fell in love with my wife, but it was also the beginning of a time where my problems festered and grabbed major roots.
But this goes much further back than Senior year…I saw my first Playboy at a friend’s grandfather’s house around the age of 10. I remember being drawn to it…wanting to see what the big deal was…being utterly amazed at what I found. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know why it was wrong. It was beautiful…it was like art…it was a woman…and what could be wrong with that. My friend was scared and didn’t really look, but I drank it in…I gulped my first sips of that sweet poison, and I have never forgotten it. It was not immediate, I am sure of that, but over time my mind kept remembering and was drawing me back for a repeat performance. The next years of this story all blur together from the same basic images burned into my mind constantly. I found any way possible to get my fix of naked women; I don’t believe I ever acted out in any rude or disgusting or vulgar way to the women in my life, but I was in constant search of my next fix.
The images of magazines, movies, TV, then later, all of a sudden, this concept of the internet was in my home. And it was all day every day available pornography, and all you had to do was click and say you were 18, no real check, just enter at will with one little “white lie.” I would overhear in the locker room the easiest and best ways to find it online and the sites to see, then when I got a chance I would go. I never shared those things, because then people would know what I was doing; and in my world, I was better than that, so silence was golden. I was addicted. I would sneak into other parts of the house after I was supposed to be asleep and watch dirty movies on HBO, or Cinemax, or Showtime. Sometimes I stayed awake for 3-4 hours just to get my rush. And when I would be going to sleep, I would be dreaming and fantasizing of me in those roles with the women I had seen. I bought my first video at 16; I was so nervous I would get carded. I practiced my response to that question numerous times before daring to go up to the counter. I was also so nervous, I looked at the video titles from the next aisle over in the store, so no one would know what I was doing. All of this led to me purchasing a 20 year old movie involving David Hasselhoff (even in this serious story, take the time to really think about that and chuckle). On the rare occasion I would go to a bookstore, I would go to the photography section and find photobooks of nude “art” so I could get my fix there as well. I would pull the swimsuit issue from the trash (my mom’s poison control) and look. I was completely desperate for my stimulus. There was a time when I couldn’t get to sleep without masturbating, I would lie awake for an hour and afterwards be asleep in 5 minutes. My mind was overrun with images and desires. I was utterly enamored with the female form. God is good and with women he was great. It was almost like the little devil and angel on my shoulder conversing; my mind would say “this is wrong,” then something would say “it is honoring the beautiful work of our magnificent creator.” (That is the most twisted Sunday School answer I think anyone has ever come up with)
All of these encounters affected my real relationships with girlfriends. I would desire for them to do those things with me. Not go “all the way,” but just make me felt like I felt when I was seeing those things on the screen. I wasn’t pushy or gross (I don’t believe I was), but my mind had turned what I had seen into the expectation of intimacy. Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to abstain from intercourse, but more damage was done than I care to admit.
In college, I remained physically pure with real women, but inside I was defiling my mind. I was around other guys to whom this was the norm and there were no issues in their mind (at least none I knew of). On the exterior I was much better than them, I respected women. But my insides were rotting from swirling through this addiction to this cesspool of smut. At some point though, I made a decision to quit. I don’t remember the exact time or place, but it was a conscious choice to do what was right. I was getting ready to get married, and I was getting myself back into the Word and my little angel on my shoulder finally won the battle he had been fighting for years. And it worked, I broke my addiction free and clean. No real help necessary, not really admitting anything to anyone, just me and God…then…
After being married for a little while, I was talking to my “best-friend” on the phone and he was living with another buddy of ours from high school. They had been talking about things from high school and the buddy mentioned about how on a missions trip in high school I had brought up my porn battles in a “debriefing” session with all the people in the room (male, female, leaders, my parents). I mentioned that was something the Lord had really laid upon my heart that I needed to come to grips with. On the phone, I could hear them both laughing and remembering how they had choked back chuckles when it had happened. Then replaying it over and over about who all was in the room and people’s faces. I remember thinking that I had opened my heart about something that was killing me on the inside, and it was a joke…I was a joke…obviously this must not be such a big deal…or being right and pure is a joke.
Immediately, like that night, I was back online…dying. Married…Christian… clean and sober for years…and one joke did me in. I knew it was wrong, but it was “normal”…something guys do…and to be a real man, I would do it too. No more “Sunday school” reasoning, this was about being a man.
All of a sudden I was back in my addiction…up to my neck…the one that “Christians” don’t deal with and DEFINITELY don’t talk about…and no friends to talk it out with. So I drank away my pain with my drug of choice, naked women. I started with my old sites, but in just a few years, the internet had expanded to no end. The sites you could share music with, could now be used for so much more. And then I found my biggest draw yet: stories. Letting my mind, that I had trained for years to have these visions, take off and run with whatever story I read. And this was from a guy who despised to read books. (On a positive, this experience taught me the joy of reading, and allowing the mind to run wild with ideas, just better content)
The reality was, I was dying to get caught, I was dying for someone to back up that little angel that I was no longer listening to. Someone to tell me this was WRONG, because I couldn’t believe it myself. I needed to be shaken or slapped or anything to get me back to thinking straight. I effected my life…and my marriage…I couldn’t treat my wife like I should…I couldn’t get to sleep without seeing naked women.
Then it finally happened. Innocently enough, my wife was looking for something she had seen online the day before and opened the history of our web browser. There was her worst nightmare laid out before her eyes in alarming detail, and she was married to it and carrying it’s child. We got counseling, I found a great friend I could talk to about things…things were great. Then the Lord asked us to move back home to Keystone…to help our struggling church…with a struggling staff that was all family. So when the Lord and family (with first time grandparents) call you home, you go. But your friends don’t move with you. And when you only have one, and he doesn’t come too…and your only “friend” here is the one who sent you back into your darkest places in the recent past…what is to happen, and why would God call us into that? The closest men in my life for over two years have been my father (the pastor) and my father-in-law; neither are ideal candidates for discussions about this type of struggle. And any acquaintances or friends that are new…it’s not easy to catch them up…not like you drop it into your introduction to each other…or over dinner…or really ANYWHERE. It’s not like a conversation naturally leads to that…and in all honesty it’s not like I am dying to share these stories of my greatness and nobility, honor and valor…I am talking about my nasty, vile, disgusting, secrets…that I am in many ways happy to keep secret…to use my clean start with new people. And from the outside, no one is going to steer me there as if I need it. From the outside I look silky smooth…I am the pastor’s son who is constantly helping at the church; I am married to the only woman I have ever slept with, and I am madly in love with her; I am a dad to an adorable little girl. Those things wouldn’t be in my past. But there they are.
But over these nearly three years…no friends…work…child…parents…church struggles…annoying people…faith challenges…building a house…another child…marriage…macho attitude…how it will reflect on my family…helping others…sponsoring clubs…wearing myself out…and no friends I feel I can rest upon, that I can let my guard down with, I have been pulled ever closer and closer to that deep end. I have stared my demons in the eyes…I have looked for what is on late night TV…I have been tempted to click on the dirty emails…I have typed my old internet haunts into the address bar…but each time, I have struggled to keep from drowning. My lungs have taken on water, I am coughing and hacking and churning to stay afloat…at times the waves calm, and it becomes easier for a while, but the root issues have to be addressed.
I have to find a place to pour my passions so that they will not be able to be sucked from my being through porn. And I need a friend to be able to open up to. This blog is becoming that, I get to shit out on a page for others to read, the contents of my heart. But the reality is that I can hide from this screen the lies and the pain and sorrow and addiction if I choose to. And my passion needs to be something to replace those evil desires in my being. I need something(s) that affects my spirit the same way, except for Good and not Evil…I need my redemption story…I need my purpose for this pain…I need my community of hope…I need my rescue line…I need my continual salvation…I need my truth…I need my salvation, and I need it daily…and it is continually provided…how cool is that?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
24-7 Vision
In getting our 24-7 prayer room set up, I found this "poem" that was written by Pete Greig from the first ever 24-7 prayer room. This was and is his vision for this movement. I hope that it will become our vision and focus as we move together in prayer.
The Vision
So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
choose to lose
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them? Can hormones hold them back?
And the generation prays
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mold them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
The Vision
So this guy comes up to me and says "what's the vision? What's the big idea?" I open my mouth and words come out like this…
The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army. And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday. They wouldn't even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.
What is the vision?
The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure.
Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers
choose to lose
that they might one day win
the great 'Well done' of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don't need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: "COME ON!"
And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain".
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes. Winners. Martyrs. Who can stop them? Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed? Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays
like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.
Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mold them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive
inside.
On the outside? They hardly care. They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centers.
Don't you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdos! Summon the losers and the freaks. Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes. They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension. Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God. My tomorrow is his today. My distant hope is his 3D. And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great 'Amen!' from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Something I should have posted 2 weeks ago
LISTEN TO U2's NEW ALBUM!!!!! IT IS GREAT ALL THE WAY THROUGH, BUT "MAGNIFICENT" IS JUST THAT!!! ENJOY THE WORSHIP!!!!! I ALSO LOVE "I'LL GO CRAZY IF I DON'T GO CRAZY TONIGHT".
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tragically Uninspired
Why am I so busy? Why to I let my mouth write checks that my body can't cash? Why do I do nothing for myself? If I did do something for myself, what on earth would that be? Carey said the other day that working out was the only thing that I do for myself, I never thought of that. But I don't work out for me, I work out for my health, so I can see my kids when they get older, so I can maintain an acceptable physical appearance. It is not like it is a release or something I look forward to. I pretty much constantly question if the little bit I do helps anything at all. But I had no witty comback for her assertation, because I don't have anything. I am sitting here jealous of all those people who have something, I am even jealous of the ones who don't have time for their something, because at least they have something.
In childhood, I set my life up around sports, and boy did I love them. It was my release, they helped straighten me up when I was screwed up, they gave me something to look forward to, they gave me easy and set friendships that already had something in common. But now that I am aging, and there aren't really any sports for me anymore. Sure I could go play some basketball, but I never really loved it in the first place. I coach baseball and football, but that has made those into more of a job than a release. I suck at golf, absolutely hate running (and it's not a real sport anyways), and can't really think of anything else to talk about as a sport to turn to. I play fantasy sports for a release and to replace the activities, and I love to play them, but they are not really satisfying. And the friendships are with random people who I never see and really never interact with.
So now I am nearly 29, with no release, and no time for one anyways. And I am not sure which is more pathetic.: I have no one that I really talk to or that I have nothing that I do to talk about.
***************
I wrote this almost 2 weeks ago now...and couldn't post it. This is not a cry for help...this is not a begging for pity...this is not a call for friends...this is just where I am. I do not know how to change it...it is a journey...it is a process...it will be personal...it will not be my doing...it will all be God's.
I will take your prayers. And for that I thank you
In childhood, I set my life up around sports, and boy did I love them. It was my release, they helped straighten me up when I was screwed up, they gave me something to look forward to, they gave me easy and set friendships that already had something in common. But now that I am aging, and there aren't really any sports for me anymore. Sure I could go play some basketball, but I never really loved it in the first place. I coach baseball and football, but that has made those into more of a job than a release. I suck at golf, absolutely hate running (and it's not a real sport anyways), and can't really think of anything else to talk about as a sport to turn to. I play fantasy sports for a release and to replace the activities, and I love to play them, but they are not really satisfying. And the friendships are with random people who I never see and really never interact with.
So now I am nearly 29, with no release, and no time for one anyways. And I am not sure which is more pathetic.: I have no one that I really talk to or that I have nothing that I do to talk about.
***************
I wrote this almost 2 weeks ago now...and couldn't post it. This is not a cry for help...this is not a begging for pity...this is not a call for friends...this is just where I am. I do not know how to change it...it is a journey...it is a process...it will be personal...it will not be my doing...it will all be God's.
I will take your prayers. And for that I thank you
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dead
Have you ever just felt dead? Emotionally drained? Physically whipped? Spiritually disconnected? Blah? Head in a fog? That's where I am right now...just dead. Like I am even working to breathe. I know I have plenty of reasons I should be that way...building a home, pregnant wife, middle of a season, building a home, looming budget cuts, challenging daughter, staying up too late, building a home, getting up too early, RUN RUN RUN, a little congestion, and I am sure there is more that I can't think of right now. Even posting this is like excruciating work for me. Negativity is pouring in. Who cares? Why are you writing this to no one? This is like talking to yourself, only more pathetic...Is all you can do is make stupid lists about your pretty damn good life?
God I need a rest...a break...a positive breakthrough...a slumpbuster...a resolution...PEACE!!!!!
What do you say when you have nothing to say, but feel the need to write? What do you do when you have so much to do, but all you want to do is get away? How do you sleep when all you can think about is all you have to get done, or what you haven't done? How do you see your wife awake for 2 hours in a day and spend it talking baseball or (not)watching American Idol? How do you not see your daughter awake at all and think you have time for another one?
Reading Purpose for the Pain, is this my version of being "there?" That place you feel you can't get out of? The one people turn to drugs, alcohol, cutting, self-destruction over? I can see how, I can see why, if those were things in my life I would be turning to them right now. Instead I turn to eating, tv, and I am drawn to other lustful behaviors from my past. For no other reason than...I don't even know why. I know they are destructive, I know they are not helping me, I know they are escapes, but they aren't nearly as bad as the drugs, alcohol, and cutting.
So I sit here paradoxically numb and in pain at once...staring at the pills and razor blades of my life...staring and waiting...waiting for one of us to blink...playing chicken with my deepest, darkest demons...hoping to hold out, afraid I can't...afraid I am not strong enough to carry the load...afraid I am not good enough for the life I have...afraid that if doing my best makes me feel like this why am I working so hard for it...afraid...
This is not a sitcom, it's not resolving by the end...still waiting for the happy ending...still waiting for the resolution...waiting to find the purpose for this pain
Gotta get back to "real life"...back to work...let me find where I set my mask down...gotta cover my pain...before somebody sees...ME
God I need a rest...a break...a positive breakthrough...a slumpbuster...a resolution...PEACE!!!!!
What do you say when you have nothing to say, but feel the need to write? What do you do when you have so much to do, but all you want to do is get away? How do you sleep when all you can think about is all you have to get done, or what you haven't done? How do you see your wife awake for 2 hours in a day and spend it talking baseball or (not)watching American Idol? How do you not see your daughter awake at all and think you have time for another one?
Reading Purpose for the Pain, is this my version of being "there?" That place you feel you can't get out of? The one people turn to drugs, alcohol, cutting, self-destruction over? I can see how, I can see why, if those were things in my life I would be turning to them right now. Instead I turn to eating, tv, and I am drawn to other lustful behaviors from my past. For no other reason than...I don't even know why. I know they are destructive, I know they are not helping me, I know they are escapes, but they aren't nearly as bad as the drugs, alcohol, and cutting.
So I sit here paradoxically numb and in pain at once...staring at the pills and razor blades of my life...staring and waiting...waiting for one of us to blink...playing chicken with my deepest, darkest demons...hoping to hold out, afraid I can't...afraid I am not strong enough to carry the load...afraid I am not good enough for the life I have...afraid that if doing my best makes me feel like this why am I working so hard for it...afraid...
This is not a sitcom, it's not resolving by the end...still waiting for the happy ending...still waiting for the resolution...waiting to find the purpose for this pain
Gotta get back to "real life"...back to work...let me find where I set my mask down...gotta cover my pain...before somebody sees...ME
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Purpose for the Pain
Haven't posted in a while. Not sure why (other than I am busy as hades). Just started reading Purpose for the Pain by Renee Yohe. These are a compilation of Journals from Renee over the years. Renee is the inspiration for my favorite site, TWLOHA. She was in deep in drugs, alcohol, self-cutting, near death. She was surrounded by friends and people she had never met that pour love into her soul. They immersed her into the love of Christ. She grew up in church, she knew it was there, but she had run so hard from it...But Jesus never stopped coming after her. I am in awe of her writing, so I am excerpting pieces here that really hit home with me. I hope you enjoy...
...But I will keep feeling,
even if it kills me,
because apathy is not living.
--Renee Yohe
...But I won't allow you to reside there
I won't grant permanence to my position
I WILL FORGIVE YOU.
--Renee Yohe
RE-BIRTH
Fear. Overwhelming doubt.
Searching frantically for expiration dates,
to mark the end of this newly purchased life,
when the light will run out.
Tremors. Of hope come and go.
Grasping with all I am,
with the desperate strength of despair,
lest I slip from the life and fall below.
Running, chasing, glimpse of a smile,
Pursuing shadows as fast as my heart will beat,
until my lungs explode
to convince this utopian dream to last a while.
Climbing a burning rope.
Scaling cliffsides to safety,
weary, pulling myself up, plagued with lethargy,
bruised, bloody, and broke.
Thriving. Swimming in a foggy haze.
Uncertain, yet boldly daring,
to mold this new world,
thrusting, in the promise of better days.
--Renee Yohe
A PRAYER
I hurt everywhere, and no where all at once. I feel so disillusioned, yet its catalyst was clarity. Reality shifted through the cracks, a rude awakening. Why would you give me these dreams? You compare yourself to a parent - if your child asked for food you would not give him a stone, these dreams are outstretched arms reaching as the child to it's father, feed my soul. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my failures, for my doubts, help me not to put you in a box. Mend me, use me, I am yours. Thank you for always pursuing me, even when I turn my back and run. You're incredible, I take you for granted, I'm so sorry. Father, Friend, Shepard, Pursuer of my soul, HEALER, Light. Thank you. I love you.
--Renee Yohe
...But I will keep feeling,
even if it kills me,
because apathy is not living.
--Renee Yohe
...But I won't allow you to reside there
I won't grant permanence to my position
I WILL FORGIVE YOU.
--Renee Yohe
RE-BIRTH
Fear. Overwhelming doubt.
Searching frantically for expiration dates,
to mark the end of this newly purchased life,
when the light will run out.
Tremors. Of hope come and go.
Grasping with all I am,
with the desperate strength of despair,
lest I slip from the life and fall below.
Running, chasing, glimpse of a smile,
Pursuing shadows as fast as my heart will beat,
until my lungs explode
to convince this utopian dream to last a while.
Climbing a burning rope.
Scaling cliffsides to safety,
weary, pulling myself up, plagued with lethargy,
bruised, bloody, and broke.
Thriving. Swimming in a foggy haze.
Uncertain, yet boldly daring,
to mold this new world,
thrusting, in the promise of better days.
--Renee Yohe
A PRAYER
I hurt everywhere, and no where all at once. I feel so disillusioned, yet its catalyst was clarity. Reality shifted through the cracks, a rude awakening. Why would you give me these dreams? You compare yourself to a parent - if your child asked for food you would not give him a stone, these dreams are outstretched arms reaching as the child to it's father, feed my soul. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my failures, for my doubts, help me not to put you in a box. Mend me, use me, I am yours. Thank you for always pursuing me, even when I turn my back and run. You're incredible, I take you for granted, I'm so sorry. Father, Friend, Shepard, Pursuer of my soul, HEALER, Light. Thank you. I love you.
--Renee Yohe
Friday, January 30, 2009
Salt
In Do Hard Things, they started talking about how we are asked to be the salt of the earth. In biblical times, the salt was what was used to preserve the meat for people to eat. It was rubbed into the meat to slow the process of decay. But the only way to slow the process of decay was to be rubbed into the meat, to be spread out over the decaying flesh. It wasn't done by just the act of being salt, it had to be put to work. It had to be removed from the comfy spot next to all the other salt crystals...it had to be spread out from the others it had spent time with to be useful...we have to be in the world but not of it.
This is pretty counter to what has been done in most churches for a very long time. We only go out to scream at people that they are decaying, we love to yell and "preach" to them all about their decay, but we refuse to infuse ourselves into their lives. We refuse to touch them and mingle, why do that when yelling is so effective? But to really preserve them, it is messy...it takes throwing yourself in...risking touching others who are decaying, and getting some of that decay on you...it is inevitable, when you rub up on decay, it will get on you, and it will be stinky, nasty, death...but you will be bringing that person life, and life more abundant...you will be helping to keep them alive to fulfill their purpose.
It takes a sacrifice...and it takes strength. The next line is a warning: DO NOT LOSE YOUR SALTINESS!!!!! This is the churches job: retain, refresh, renew our saltiness, so that we may go back out into the smelly, stinky, nasty, DYING world and preserve it for the coming of our Savior. We are to be brothers and sisters to the other salt crystals, we are to help them retain their strength for the battle. There will be some who will be overcome by the death all around them, they will be losing their battle to preserve and will actually start decaying themselves. We need to be after them too.
The church is to blame for the state of our country. We haven't been preserving the meat, we have been preaching at it about the hot fire they are about to partake in (the Grill). We haven't been stopping the decay effectively, probably because we have been refusing to go out into it and get ourselves dirty. It's not wearing t-shirts and buttons for the political candidate of the hour...it is not holding signs and rallies to push our agenda...it is not standing out holding a sign to change people's minds. NOT THAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS ARE BAD!!!!! WE ARE TO STAND UP FOR OUR BELIEFS!!!!! BUT...we are to get into lives and change them one at a time...we are to preserve individuals...we are called to people not politics...we pray to God, not to government...we fight the death and decay by jumping into the midst of it and beating the hell out of it...we are called to preserve and save that one single piece of meat because it is vitally important to our God; then once it is preserved, we find the next one to do the same.
Ok, a thought just jumped on me, so it may not fit into the "flow" of this post. If we are battling a SIN we are surely to lose. Satan is the author and authority of all sin, HE IS SIN!!!!! We cannot defeat sin/Satan in this world...God is coming back soon to do that for us. We are to take on the people, they are created by God and have that light somewhere within them...it is a winnable battle. We are salt, we can preserve the meat...but we are not really able to put out the fire. We need to do our job.
This post was supposed to be about salt and light...I kinda got stuck on salt...maybe more on light to come later...maybe not...
Isaac
This is pretty counter to what has been done in most churches for a very long time. We only go out to scream at people that they are decaying, we love to yell and "preach" to them all about their decay, but we refuse to infuse ourselves into their lives. We refuse to touch them and mingle, why do that when yelling is so effective? But to really preserve them, it is messy...it takes throwing yourself in...risking touching others who are decaying, and getting some of that decay on you...it is inevitable, when you rub up on decay, it will get on you, and it will be stinky, nasty, death...but you will be bringing that person life, and life more abundant...you will be helping to keep them alive to fulfill their purpose.
It takes a sacrifice...and it takes strength. The next line is a warning: DO NOT LOSE YOUR SALTINESS!!!!! This is the churches job: retain, refresh, renew our saltiness, so that we may go back out into the smelly, stinky, nasty, DYING world and preserve it for the coming of our Savior. We are to be brothers and sisters to the other salt crystals, we are to help them retain their strength for the battle. There will be some who will be overcome by the death all around them, they will be losing their battle to preserve and will actually start decaying themselves. We need to be after them too.
The church is to blame for the state of our country. We haven't been preserving the meat, we have been preaching at it about the hot fire they are about to partake in (the Grill). We haven't been stopping the decay effectively, probably because we have been refusing to go out into it and get ourselves dirty. It's not wearing t-shirts and buttons for the political candidate of the hour...it is not holding signs and rallies to push our agenda...it is not standing out holding a sign to change people's minds. NOT THAT ANY OF THOSE THINGS ARE BAD!!!!! WE ARE TO STAND UP FOR OUR BELIEFS!!!!! BUT...we are to get into lives and change them one at a time...we are to preserve individuals...we are called to people not politics...we pray to God, not to government...we fight the death and decay by jumping into the midst of it and beating the hell out of it...we are called to preserve and save that one single piece of meat because it is vitally important to our God; then once it is preserved, we find the next one to do the same.
Ok, a thought just jumped on me, so it may not fit into the "flow" of this post. If we are battling a SIN we are surely to lose. Satan is the author and authority of all sin, HE IS SIN!!!!! We cannot defeat sin/Satan in this world...God is coming back soon to do that for us. We are to take on the people, they are created by God and have that light somewhere within them...it is a winnable battle. We are salt, we can preserve the meat...but we are not really able to put out the fire. We need to do our job.
This post was supposed to be about salt and light...I kinda got stuck on salt...maybe more on light to come later...maybe not...
Isaac
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Do Hard Things
Okay, so I am reading the book "Do Hard Things" with is a book written by teens to challenge other teens to push themselves to their limits...to not settle for the bare minimums that most adults set for them...to start becoming what God wants them to be NOW...to gain experience...to grow. I am loving it, it is making me think about my teaching and dealing with teenagers everyday and how I can do them a disservice to go easy on them. I need to keep challenging them, and pushing them, and encouraging them to reach out and stretch, for that this the only way they will know their true reach. I highly recommend it for anyone who works with teens or is parenting them. Anyways...
They are currently taking about stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing past that first step. It really is the hardest one. They talked about a cartographer in England who was mapping North America and in places he never went he wrote things like "Here be giants," "Here be fiery scorpions," "Here be dragons." Now I haven't seen all of North America, but I have never seen any of those things in my travels. Now imagine being that next cartographer charged with mapping North America, you would be more hesitant and fearful of THINGS THAT ARE NOT REALLY THERE. It is the fear of the scary things, not the scary things that most often stop us from DOING.
How many times have you not done something out of FEAR that something might happen? Our imaginations are powerful things and we can come up with some real far-fetched concepts and stories that can hold us back from doing things. Does that mean we shouldn't lock our doors at night, or anything like that? Of course not, but if you feel God urging you to do something, if you know that something is right, and the only thing stopping you is the fear of something unseen. You need to overcome that fear and do it. Even when we fail and we fall flat on our faces, very rarely is the outcome as bad as the vision our mind has played out hundreds of times before.
Corrie ten Boom said, "Never be afraid to trust and unknown future to a known God." It comes back to your trust in God...how big is He?...How much does He love you?...Does He care for your everyday struggles? Do you have faith that He will catch you if you fall, or that He will let you fall so that you learn how to take a few bumps and bruises along the way, or just to see that the fall wasn't as bad as you thought anyway. But it takes that faith of the first step...once you have taken it, each on there after is easier...but it is hard to leave the comfort of the boat. Someone recently asked me if I had a quote I could share on the importance of doubt in faith. I didn't have one for them (if you do, leave it as a comment, I would love to read it)...but here are my thoughts on it...If there is no doubt, there is no room for faith in God. I have never met a person who had put every bit of their flesh and "rational" mind aside enough to have NO doubt when they are stretching themselves, it may be minor or just a little glimmer, but there is some doubt there. If there isn't are you really trusting Him? If you could do it on your own without God's help, then your faith is in you and not Him. So if you are stretching and pushing and growing and trusting, you are doubting, but you are also defeating that doubt. That is the important part. Mark Twain said "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear." The same is true for faith and doubt.
They are currently taking about stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing past that first step. It really is the hardest one. They talked about a cartographer in England who was mapping North America and in places he never went he wrote things like "Here be giants," "Here be fiery scorpions," "Here be dragons." Now I haven't seen all of North America, but I have never seen any of those things in my travels. Now imagine being that next cartographer charged with mapping North America, you would be more hesitant and fearful of THINGS THAT ARE NOT REALLY THERE. It is the fear of the scary things, not the scary things that most often stop us from DOING.
How many times have you not done something out of FEAR that something might happen? Our imaginations are powerful things and we can come up with some real far-fetched concepts and stories that can hold us back from doing things. Does that mean we shouldn't lock our doors at night, or anything like that? Of course not, but if you feel God urging you to do something, if you know that something is right, and the only thing stopping you is the fear of something unseen. You need to overcome that fear and do it. Even when we fail and we fall flat on our faces, very rarely is the outcome as bad as the vision our mind has played out hundreds of times before.
Corrie ten Boom said, "Never be afraid to trust and unknown future to a known God." It comes back to your trust in God...how big is He?...How much does He love you?...Does He care for your everyday struggles? Do you have faith that He will catch you if you fall, or that He will let you fall so that you learn how to take a few bumps and bruises along the way, or just to see that the fall wasn't as bad as you thought anyway. But it takes that faith of the first step...once you have taken it, each on there after is easier...but it is hard to leave the comfort of the boat. Someone recently asked me if I had a quote I could share on the importance of doubt in faith. I didn't have one for them (if you do, leave it as a comment, I would love to read it)...but here are my thoughts on it...If there is no doubt, there is no room for faith in God. I have never met a person who had put every bit of their flesh and "rational" mind aside enough to have NO doubt when they are stretching themselves, it may be minor or just a little glimmer, but there is some doubt there. If there isn't are you really trusting Him? If you could do it on your own without God's help, then your faith is in you and not Him. So if you are stretching and pushing and growing and trusting, you are doubting, but you are also defeating that doubt. That is the important part. Mark Twain said "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear." The same is true for faith and doubt.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I LOVE TWLOHA!!!!
OK, I have been really being attacked lately in both this world, and spiritually. No posts in a week due to just being...blah...busy...tired...annoyed...whatever. I knew I needed to post today...needed to get me out there to my friends and followers. But I felt nothing, I am reading a great new book about challenging teens to live up to potential, to get out of the rut of the easy way out. Loving it, but nothing really to post about. I was starting to wonder if God was taking a break from my endless ramblings...maybe just telling me to shut-up for a while (and maybe He is/was). So I will give to you in my stead the ramblings of Jamie at TWLOHA. This is his blog post...makes me love that community even more.
http://www.twloha.com/blog/happy-birthday
Thank you for being my community. Kinda a small community, but you are the best. I love you all, thanks for giving a shit. You are the best...
Isaac
http://www.twloha.com/blog/happy-birthday
Thank you for being my community. Kinda a small community, but you are the best. I love you all, thanks for giving a shit. You are the best...
Isaac
Saturday, January 17, 2009
More on Church
I am loving this book So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore? I think I was clear in my last post that I am not against church, in fact I love it, but it can be (and so many times it is) seriously screwed up. I also don't think I could be reading a better book so soon after Ragamuffin, it is almost like these 2 books should be sold in a 2 pack, one for the non-fiction "real" perspective, and one for the fiction application story to understand grace and how we so often screw it up (and many times in well meaning and very subtle ways).
I just finished another chapter, and once again I was hit with this overwhelming grace that we get from our Lord and Savior, yet so often we refuse to receive it. It is a gift given to us at all times, but when we get ourselves so wrapped up in judging ourselves and feeling so unworthy of it (basically when we need it most), we refuse it. In this passage from the book, the 2 main characters are talking about how we equate Christianity to good ethics. And one says to the other, "You are so caught up in a system of reward and punishment that you're missing the simple relationship he wants to have with you." The other asks about getting His love by living up to his standards. And I love the response. "That's where you are backward. We don't get His love by living up to His standards. We find His love in the most broken places of our lives. As we let Him love us there and discover how to love Him in return, we'll find our lives changing in that relationship." Christians love to say, "He loved you when you were yet a sinner." But even after salvation, we are sinners, and HE STILL LOVES US!!!!! He loves us in spite of our sin...He hates the sin, loves the sinner...He doesn't have a hierarchy of sins, some He can overlook and love you through, He loves you through them all. How 'bout them apples? My Christian "Sunday School" mind wants me to add, "He is disappointed, but He loves you," but I am not so sure about that. All I know for a fact is He hates sin, but He loves YOU. Disappointment conjures ideas of removal of love, and I don't believe that, no matter how much my mind tries to convince me of it. It makes me feel unlovable, but it doesn't affect His love. It just causes me to harm my relationship with Him. He doesn't change...God is always there...I just pull away.
I love the phrase..."We find His love in the MOST BROKEN PLACES OF OUR LIVES." Have you ever found that, one the way down, while the cracks are forming and you are starting to fall apart, you feel no love...you feel unlovable...but if you ever "hit bottom" and you give up your pride and self-consciousness...when you are completely broken and you can no longer hide it...do you not ALWAYS FIND HIM THERE...ARMS OPEN...TEARS FORMING...NO QUESTIONS...NO CONDEMNATION...NO PUNISHMENT...JUST A GIANT BEAR HUG FROM YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR.
Why is it important to get this message out? Why are TWLOHA and HopeLine and other networks of their ilk so important, and why does the church need to become relevant and outreaching again? Because there are people out there that are hitting bottom...they are suffering...and their picture of love from people is so messed up that they can't recognize the love that Jesus has for them...even at that rock bottom place they are at. Jesus is the only thing that can save them, but you and I and other people can help to be that bridge to get them there, to listen and love and not judge or condemn and let them know love from us so they can see the more awesome and powerful love from HIM.
I just finished another chapter, and once again I was hit with this overwhelming grace that we get from our Lord and Savior, yet so often we refuse to receive it. It is a gift given to us at all times, but when we get ourselves so wrapped up in judging ourselves and feeling so unworthy of it (basically when we need it most), we refuse it. In this passage from the book, the 2 main characters are talking about how we equate Christianity to good ethics. And one says to the other, "You are so caught up in a system of reward and punishment that you're missing the simple relationship he wants to have with you." The other asks about getting His love by living up to his standards. And I love the response. "That's where you are backward. We don't get His love by living up to His standards. We find His love in the most broken places of our lives. As we let Him love us there and discover how to love Him in return, we'll find our lives changing in that relationship." Christians love to say, "He loved you when you were yet a sinner." But even after salvation, we are sinners, and HE STILL LOVES US!!!!! He loves us in spite of our sin...He hates the sin, loves the sinner...He doesn't have a hierarchy of sins, some He can overlook and love you through, He loves you through them all. How 'bout them apples? My Christian "Sunday School" mind wants me to add, "He is disappointed, but He loves you," but I am not so sure about that. All I know for a fact is He hates sin, but He loves YOU. Disappointment conjures ideas of removal of love, and I don't believe that, no matter how much my mind tries to convince me of it. It makes me feel unlovable, but it doesn't affect His love. It just causes me to harm my relationship with Him. He doesn't change...God is always there...I just pull away.
I love the phrase..."We find His love in the MOST BROKEN PLACES OF OUR LIVES." Have you ever found that, one the way down, while the cracks are forming and you are starting to fall apart, you feel no love...you feel unlovable...but if you ever "hit bottom" and you give up your pride and self-consciousness...when you are completely broken and you can no longer hide it...do you not ALWAYS FIND HIM THERE...ARMS OPEN...TEARS FORMING...NO QUESTIONS...NO CONDEMNATION...NO PUNISHMENT...JUST A GIANT BEAR HUG FROM YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR.
Why is it important to get this message out? Why are TWLOHA and HopeLine and other networks of their ilk so important, and why does the church need to become relevant and outreaching again? Because there are people out there that are hitting bottom...they are suffering...and their picture of love from people is so messed up that they can't recognize the love that Jesus has for them...even at that rock bottom place they are at. Jesus is the only thing that can save them, but you and I and other people can help to be that bridge to get them there, to listen and love and not judge or condemn and let them know love from us so they can see the more awesome and powerful love from HIM.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
FROM HEAVY AND LIGHT
Here was the opening video from Heavy and Light the other night, we couldn't really see it there because of where we were when it played, but it basically sums up the purpose of TWLOHA and the night itself
ENJOY
http://vimeo.com/2807386
ENJOY
http://vimeo.com/2807386
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A New Book, Same Result
Now I am reading So You Don't Want to Go to Church Anymore? (Thanks Chuck) This is not what I would usually consider my cup of tea...fiction and, without giving anything out, just not my thing. But this has really gripped me thus far (only 2 chapters in). Kinda obviously by the title, it is about being disillusioned/fed up with Church. Which I think we all hit from time to time (or seemingly live there). But what gets me is how many people get turned off, disillusioned, go away, then end up coming back. This tells me there must be something to church, and I think it must be the community of it. The collection be believers. We do not do a great job of this even at COMMUNITY Church. We bicker, fight, moan, argue, gossip, and beat each other up more than we do anything else. We make a list of things to discuss and reflect on changing or adjusting...and we make this list because we all know something is missing...and it is easy to see the tangible, and even easier to give "solutions" to those things...but aren't we really missing something bigger? But how do you put it into words...without being accusitory...without a hard and fast solution...how do you bare the soul, the rotten, dirty underbelly of what is going on? But the question should be how do we not? Sure it will hurt and it will be embarassing to see we are lost, but God loved us when we were lost once, and He loves us now. He fought for us then, and He is fighting for us now, but we are too busy talking about lights and music and meetings instead of GOD and LOVE and COMMUNITY and HOPE.
I got to go to HEAVY and LIGHT presented by TWLOHA the other night. TWLOHA is about creating community, getting people entangled in each other, immersing ourselves in others, and in that we find out so much more about ourselves. I got to go to this presentation with part of my community, my teammates, and we go to talk and laugh and play games and get upset about not getting better places to stand (that one was probably just me). I enjoyed the ride as much as the concert, because we were in community, nothing life changing happened, but we talked and in just talking we grew together. And we aren't even close to being "there" we are just scratching the surface, but I love that I have community.
I have been to a dark place before, I have been up to my eyes in it, I have been exposed in it (not coming clean, but exposed), and the only thing that got me out was the love of the greatest woman I have ever known, and the community I was able to get involved in. Which was basically me and one other guy. It takes a lot for me to get there, I don't like to be open...to let you know what I am thinking...to take off my armor...to show my weakness, my scars, my stories...because if you see those, what do I have left, what if you tell others, what if you expose me, what if you make fun of me, what if you label me...or what if you leave me. I can handle people not liking my "persona" because it is not the real me, but could I handle you not liking me...the REAL ME?
This brings me back to the opening about church...it is not perfect, we screw it up more times than not, but it is community. No matter how strong or weak that community is, it is there (and if it isn't there for you, find another community to immerse yourself in) People start churches out of a need for community that grows into a church, then they deal with the same hassles that go on in most churches, and in some ways lose the community. And maybe the "home church" concept is the answer, but then what about growing and reaching? They all have their issues, the church is MY answer, and Community Church is my community, and I am going to make it and people in it my community, I am going to stregthen that community, I may not know everyone, be in community with everyone who shows up, but I can help them find a community in our doors (and if they can't I would love to help them find a community outside our doors).
Not sure if I made any sense, but there are many days I don't want to go to church anymore...but I will go and I will try to make the church into something I do want to go to
Isaac
I got to go to HEAVY and LIGHT presented by TWLOHA the other night. TWLOHA is about creating community, getting people entangled in each other, immersing ourselves in others, and in that we find out so much more about ourselves. I got to go to this presentation with part of my community, my teammates, and we go to talk and laugh and play games and get upset about not getting better places to stand (that one was probably just me). I enjoyed the ride as much as the concert, because we were in community, nothing life changing happened, but we talked and in just talking we grew together. And we aren't even close to being "there" we are just scratching the surface, but I love that I have community.
I have been to a dark place before, I have been up to my eyes in it, I have been exposed in it (not coming clean, but exposed), and the only thing that got me out was the love of the greatest woman I have ever known, and the community I was able to get involved in. Which was basically me and one other guy. It takes a lot for me to get there, I don't like to be open...to let you know what I am thinking...to take off my armor...to show my weakness, my scars, my stories...because if you see those, what do I have left, what if you tell others, what if you expose me, what if you make fun of me, what if you label me...or what if you leave me. I can handle people not liking my "persona" because it is not the real me, but could I handle you not liking me...the REAL ME?
This brings me back to the opening about church...it is not perfect, we screw it up more times than not, but it is community. No matter how strong or weak that community is, it is there (and if it isn't there for you, find another community to immerse yourself in) People start churches out of a need for community that grows into a church, then they deal with the same hassles that go on in most churches, and in some ways lose the community. And maybe the "home church" concept is the answer, but then what about growing and reaching? They all have their issues, the church is MY answer, and Community Church is my community, and I am going to make it and people in it my community, I am going to stregthen that community, I may not know everyone, be in community with everyone who shows up, but I can help them find a community in our doors (and if they can't I would love to help them find a community outside our doors).
Not sure if I made any sense, but there are many days I don't want to go to church anymore...but I will go and I will try to make the church into something I do want to go to
Isaac
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
PS
I'm not sure if anyone is listening out there, but I can set up my blog to email with I update...but only 10 people...2 are gone; those are the followers (AKA the Kool-Aid Drinkers)...let me know if you want me to add you. First 8 win...
Just a quick note
The other night at the Haiti talk, I concluded by challenging to "go and do." I think that takes us INTO the world making us the "in this world, but not of this world" concept we so often hear about. I forgot something though, or maybe I just didn't make it clear enough at the time...this was a CHALLENGE...it is supposed to be hard. If you are going and doing and there is no pain anymore, you are not going and doing enough. I AM NOT SAYING YOU NEED TO RUN YOURSELF TO DEATH!!!!! But there is a challenge aspect to it, there is a pushing and a breaking and a difficulty. Muscles don't grow unless there is some tearing down in the process. Then they can be built back up bigger and stronger. Make sure you make it a challenge...I could lift a 5 pound dumbell all day long, but it will not make me stronger...my mom needs 5 pound dumbells, to each their own, but if I don't push myself I will never get the potential out.
Sometimes that means leaving the job you are currently "going and doing" because it is an entry level position. If you just add another job, you are not leaving that position for a new person to step into, so that they may "go and do". Sometimes that is the hardest part, letting go of what you are currently doing...Satan loves this hold...he attacks us with conceit "No one else can do it as good as you can"...with feeling of weakness "if you give this up, people will see you aren't special, you aren't necessary and vital"...with self-doubt "you don't have what it takes to do the new job, so you better not give this one up." Could it be that you have what it takes, you just have to concentrate on that new job, that new calling? You don't need to be sidetracked, serving 2 masters, doing 2 jobs half-assed instead of one job kick-ass.
I meant for this to be really short, but as is usually the case, I can't shut-up my brain (I think I needed to really hear this one today). I will leave you with a great quote bonus points if you know where it comes from (without Googling).
"If it wasn't hard everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great."
Isaac
Sometimes that means leaving the job you are currently "going and doing" because it is an entry level position. If you just add another job, you are not leaving that position for a new person to step into, so that they may "go and do". Sometimes that is the hardest part, letting go of what you are currently doing...Satan loves this hold...he attacks us with conceit "No one else can do it as good as you can"...with feeling of weakness "if you give this up, people will see you aren't special, you aren't necessary and vital"...with self-doubt "you don't have what it takes to do the new job, so you better not give this one up." Could it be that you have what it takes, you just have to concentrate on that new job, that new calling? You don't need to be sidetracked, serving 2 masters, doing 2 jobs half-assed instead of one job kick-ass.
I meant for this to be really short, but as is usually the case, I can't shut-up my brain (I think I needed to really hear this one today). I will leave you with a great quote bonus points if you know where it comes from (without Googling).
"If it wasn't hard everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it great."
Isaac
Monday, January 5, 2009
I didn't think it would be this soon
Like I said earlier today, I am reading Rob Bell's book and it is far out and beautiful and wonderful, and it kicked me in the teeth today.
He talks a lot about the church and what it should be and how we keep trying to contain it and market it and bottle it and sell it and grow it, but it's not about that... it is about the people. It is about being the body, and serving and giving and loving and standing with or better yet standing in place of. He makes many Eucharist references, but what hit me is that if we are to be the body...to be the Eucharist, we must be broken. That means we willingly offer ourselves up, like Jesus did, we make ourselves available to be the broken body of Christ, not just the strong muscular body that we envision. We like to imagine we are the big body parts, but weren't those the ones that are hardest hit at the crucifixtion? The hands, feet, arms, back, side, head...not a good day...to be those, you are going to get seriously effed up at times.
OK, so that is not even where I was going when I sat down here to write...I really wanted to focus on a line of the book. "The church is an organization that exists for the benefit of nonmembers." We are not here for us, we are here for them, gaining strength, gaining support, gaining friends, regrouping and recooperating, to go back out there for them. We are the front line outpost. We are there for the soldiers to come in and be replenished, rearmed, and redeployed. When we get nicked, we spend a little more time there recooperating, but when we are healthy, we are kicked in the butt to get back out there. In Hebrews it says they should continue to meet together so they can "consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Our services should be spurring us on, they should be sending us back out into battle, they should be kick-ass halftime speeches, not dreery, morbid sounding funerals of better times and easier circumstances.
Then the question is asked, "if our church were taken away from our city, our neighborhood, our community, our region - who would protest?" Surely the members, but would the nonmembers? The ones we should be there for in the first place? People would miss the rummage sale, but would they protest? This got me thinking about people taken from us too soon, Luke and Emily. They were and are sorely missed, and in some ways, isn't a funeral a type of protest? A way to say how much that person meant, that they are missed and loved - that they made a difference in your life. Those services were packed, packed by people whose lives had been touched - not just family members - but the nonmembers as well. The ones who were made to feel like members, like they belonged. The nurses, doctors, co-workers, those who were going about their normal routine lives and then - BOOM!!!!! - they got hit with this person who make his/her life about their lives. Who inspired not by trying to be inspriational, but by being the broken body of Christ. That God was seen in them and through them, not through their shouting and proclaiming His name (though that was done and is vitally important), but they aren't drawn in by the shouting and proclaiming, they are brought in by the actions of LIVING.
Would our church be missed? Are we being that body? Are we kicking the healthy back out into the battlefield to fight the good fight? Are we being broken and beaten but doing it for His name?
Then personally, would I be missed? By the nonmembers? Have I touched those lives? Have I lived that way? Would I be protested? And the answers are irrelevent...because I can change it, I can grow it, I can be it, I can show Him, I can live it, I can do it, I can be the joy of the Lord, I can blossom into the life that oozes Christ, because if I don't I am falling short of my calling...
Sinner Anonymous,
Isaac Morford
He talks a lot about the church and what it should be and how we keep trying to contain it and market it and bottle it and sell it and grow it, but it's not about that... it is about the people. It is about being the body, and serving and giving and loving and standing with or better yet standing in place of. He makes many Eucharist references, but what hit me is that if we are to be the body...to be the Eucharist, we must be broken. That means we willingly offer ourselves up, like Jesus did, we make ourselves available to be the broken body of Christ, not just the strong muscular body that we envision. We like to imagine we are the big body parts, but weren't those the ones that are hardest hit at the crucifixtion? The hands, feet, arms, back, side, head...not a good day...to be those, you are going to get seriously effed up at times.
OK, so that is not even where I was going when I sat down here to write...I really wanted to focus on a line of the book. "The church is an organization that exists for the benefit of nonmembers." We are not here for us, we are here for them, gaining strength, gaining support, gaining friends, regrouping and recooperating, to go back out there for them. We are the front line outpost. We are there for the soldiers to come in and be replenished, rearmed, and redeployed. When we get nicked, we spend a little more time there recooperating, but when we are healthy, we are kicked in the butt to get back out there. In Hebrews it says they should continue to meet together so they can "consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Our services should be spurring us on, they should be sending us back out into battle, they should be kick-ass halftime speeches, not dreery, morbid sounding funerals of better times and easier circumstances.
Then the question is asked, "if our church were taken away from our city, our neighborhood, our community, our region - who would protest?" Surely the members, but would the nonmembers? The ones we should be there for in the first place? People would miss the rummage sale, but would they protest? This got me thinking about people taken from us too soon, Luke and Emily. They were and are sorely missed, and in some ways, isn't a funeral a type of protest? A way to say how much that person meant, that they are missed and loved - that they made a difference in your life. Those services were packed, packed by people whose lives had been touched - not just family members - but the nonmembers as well. The ones who were made to feel like members, like they belonged. The nurses, doctors, co-workers, those who were going about their normal routine lives and then - BOOM!!!!! - they got hit with this person who make his/her life about their lives. Who inspired not by trying to be inspriational, but by being the broken body of Christ. That God was seen in them and through them, not through their shouting and proclaiming His name (though that was done and is vitally important), but they aren't drawn in by the shouting and proclaiming, they are brought in by the actions of LIVING.
Would our church be missed? Are we being that body? Are we kicking the healthy back out into the battlefield to fight the good fight? Are we being broken and beaten but doing it for His name?
Then personally, would I be missed? By the nonmembers? Have I touched those lives? Have I lived that way? Would I be protested? And the answers are irrelevent...because I can change it, I can grow it, I can be it, I can show Him, I can live it, I can do it, I can be the joy of the Lord, I can blossom into the life that oozes Christ, because if I don't I am falling short of my calling...
Sinner Anonymous,
Isaac Morford
Followers
I have followers...I feel like some all-powerful cult leader...I will try to not let this go to my head...Reading Rob Bell's new book...Thinking a lot...Posts should be coming soon...It may be too late about the going to my head thing
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